Here's how unresolved daddy issues can affect your relationship patterns

My first relationship, at 20, was nothing short of a disaster, although I didn’t realise it at the time. Back then, armed with all the misguided optimism about love, I fell for someone who gave me just enough attention to keep me hooked. He was emotionally distant, rarely opened up, and constantly had me wondering where we stood as a couple. Naturally, I convinced myself I could fix him. But it wasn’t until our messy breakup that I took a step back and realised I had a type: emotionally unavailable men who gave me the bare minimum. Hot, right?

 

I didn’t need a therapist to connect these dots. Growing up with a distant dad, who gradually faded out of my life during school, shaped my imagination of love. And without realising it, I spent years being drawn to men who mirrored the same emotional unavailability I was familiar with. The connection was almost too obvious (once I recognised it)—my dad’s emotional distance had wired me to equate love with effort, pain, and chasing after validation that always felt just out of reach.

Now the term "daddy issues" might sound like a buzzword, but it has deeper psychological roots. According to Urban Dictionary, it describes a situation where a girl has a complicated relationship with her father, often due to his actions—whether he left or behaved poorly. As a result, the woman may be drawn to older men or those with anger issues, especially if her father exhibited similar traits. Sometimes, she may even remain in an abusive relationship, believing that this is what love looks like. These behaviours stem from early childhood experiences, often manifesting in adulthood in ways that aren’t immediately obvious.

Psychologist Vedika Sukhatme explains, "Attachment styles, especially those formed during our childhood, shape our emotional responses and behaviours in relationships. If a child lacks consistent emotional support, especially from a father figure, they may develop a more anxious or avoidant attachment style in adulthood." This could lead to someone unconsciously seeking partners who are emotionally unavailable or distant, as they might have learned to navigate relationships with minimal emotional reassurance.

Indeed, the distance and lack of emotional availability that defined my relationship mirrored the absence of secure emotional attachment I experienced growing up. What I didn’t realise at the time was that it wasn’t just about wanting to fix someone; it was about trying to replicate the dynamic I had with my father, believing that love, at its core, was something that had to be earned through consistent pursuit or unattainable validation.

This unconscious pattern of seeking unavailable love

As much as we like to think of ourselves as individuals capable of making completely independent romantic choices, attachment theory shows how deeply our early experiences with caregivers shape our romantic preferences. Sukhatme affirms, "Our unconscious mind is deeply influenced by the way we were treated by our primary caregivers, and it guides us toward partners who fulfil the emotional gaps we experienced in childhood—whether we realise it or not."

Those who grew up with emotionally unavailable fathers often have an underlying belief that love is difficult to attain or maintain. This can lead to a recurring pattern of dating emotionally distant or unavailable partners, where love feels hard to reach, but this ‘difficulty’ is what makes it feel familiar or comforting. This repetition of a childhood dynamic is something that often goes unchallenged until the emotional toll becomes undeniable.

Recognising patterns

The key to breaking free from these unhealthy patterns is self-awareness. Understanding that the pull toward emotionally unavailable partners is not a reflection of our worth, but rather an unconscious effort to heal old wounds, and that is the first step to reclaiming healthier relationship choices. Sukhatme suggests, "A major part of healing is learning how to recognise these patterns—whether it’s gravitating toward emotionally distant partners or overcompensating for others' emotional unavailability—and consciously choosing to engage with people who can offer mutual emotional support and availability."

For anyone who finds themselves stuck in a cycle of dating emotionally unavailable partners or seeking validation through unhealthy means, therapy can be a powerful tool for breaking these patterns. Therapy provides a space to address unresolved feelings of abandonment, rejection, and insecurity, and helps individuals build healthier attachment styles. As Sukhatme puts it, "Therapy allows individuals to create a narrative where their self-worth isn’t tied to external validation or trying to 'fix' others. It’s about learning to be emotionally available to oneself first and foremost."

 

Self-worth in dating

As we move forward in our romantic lives, the role of self-worth cannot be overstated. For many, the lack of a secure paternal figure in childhood can lead to feelings of inadequacy or a constant need to seek approval from external sources. When we do not learn to validate ourselves, we may seek out others to provide that validation, leading to imbalanced relationships and, at times, emotionally draining ourselves.

In the process of healing, it's essential to learn how to nurture one's self-worth independently of others' opinions or affection. Sukhatme advises, "The journey towards healthy relationships starts with self-compassion. By understanding the underlying causes of our attachment insecurities, we can begin to shift our focus from needing validation from others to validating ourselves. This internal shift is key to building a healthy, secure foundation for future relationships."

As someone who has struggled with these patterns, I can attest to the changes that come with realising the root causes of one’s attachment tendencies. It's not an overnight process, but recognising these patterns and working on them can lead to balanced relationships. Emotional healing isn’t just about finding a partner who can fill the gaps left by an absent father figure, but about learning how to fill those gaps within ourselves first. Only then can we enter relationships as equals, emotionally available and ready to give and receive love in healthy, secure ways.

Lead Image: Netflix

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