I couldn't do non-monogamy without couples therapy

People always have questions about my ethically non-monogamous relationship. How do you do it so successfully? How do you not get jealous? How is your partner ok with it? The truth is, my partner and I couldn't pursue this alternative, unfortunately-still-taboo relationship style without one very important thing: couples therapy.

Throughout our relationship, we had an established one-penis policy—meaning we could both date and sleep with other women, but not men. In the summer of 2022, my desires changed as I realized I did want to date other men. When I initially told my partner, we both thought we'd be comfortable with it. But after a rushed date with a guy from an app, we realized we'd jumped in too quickly without taking the proper time, care, and consideration for each other. This led to miscommunication and anxiety for both of us, so a result, I pitched couples therapy. The morning after the biggest fight we ever had on the subject—one that almost caused us to break up—my partner finally said, “Let’s do it."

The truth is, therapy isn’t something that everyone in the non-monogamous community is down for. Some people hold the harmful belief that if you’re polyamorous, you shouldn’t struggle with any aspect of it. Experiencing jealousy? You’re poly, so that shouldn’t happen. You hurt your partner's feelings? You don’t have to take accountability for that because they should know you can’t give them all of your attention. Not every non-monogamous person holds this belief, but some do, and it isn’t a healthy or fair way to go about relationships, especially if you refer to yourself as ethically non-monogamous. You can still be non-monogamous and need help adjusting to its ever-changing ebbs and flows.

But finding a great therapist is a lot like dating—it takes time to find a compatible match. I sent a query email to a practice a friend recommended before receiving a call from an intake coordinator, who had us fill out a questionnaire of what we were looking for in a therapist. I wrote: Must be non-judgmental, must work with ethically non-monogamous couples, must be comfortable talking about sex and alternative relationship styles, must also appreciate or work with spiritual practices.

Over my many years of individual therapy, I’ve learned the hard way that not all therapists know how to handle ethically-monogamous patients. (Like the time one therapist said “ew” when I mentioned sleeping with multiple people.) It takes someone with a special set of skills and a broader understanding of the different types of relationships to be truly helpful. It’s why we consider ourselves lucky to have quickly been matched with T—a marriage and family therapist with over 10 years of experience helping non-monogamous couples.

In our first session, she started by asking some questions around our history and what brought us to therapy.

T: How long have you been ethically non-monogamous?

We’ve always been open and polyamorous since the start of our relationship.

T: What areas do you want to work on most?

Being able to understand each other more deeply and communicate better.

T: What do you believe are the foundations of your relationship?

Honesty, trust, and radical transparency.

T: Now, tell me about this event. I want to hear each of your perspectives from beginning to end.

That’s when we told her about the one-penis policy, and how since I started dating other men, our communication had suffered. We both felt triggered and we weren’t sure where our relationship was headed. I felt uneasy and cried when I told her my side of things. My partner cried when he spoke too.

T: Tell me what hurt you about what each other did?

We both felt unheard, left behind, and alone.

T: Do you see how the both of you lost your ability to communicate?

Yes, and suddenly, we realized that neither of us was coming at this maliciously. We just lost our way to clear communication.

We did this for a few months, unpacking and exploring different scenarios to learn what we need and value most. We don’t sit awkwardly on a couch in her office like what you've probably seen on TV. We meet on Zoom, in our little virtual boxes. Usually my partner and I are in separate boxes, because we both travel a lot, but on the occasion we’re in the same box, she smiles and says, “It’s good to see you two together.” Before our sessions, my partner and I talk about what we want to bring up. If nothing specific comes to mind, we give T permission to lead a discussion.

Through this ritual, we get to see if anything comes up for us. Did I feel jealous? Was I not communicative enough? Could I use different words to talk about someone else I'm dating? What does my partner need from me? T listens freely while pointing out things we might not see. At first, we saw her once a week for about six months, then every two weeks, and now, a year later and a half, we see her once a month

Over time, we've learned how to operate within the boundaries of our relationship in ways that make us both feel seen, respected and appreciated. We realized that we can have the types of relationships we want—both together and with other people—as long as we prioritize each other and keep our communication wide open. Now, T asks us questions we're proud to be able to answer in ways we couldn't have at the beginning of our journey. Things like...

T: How can you communicate differently in the future when you’re on dates with other people?

We can check in with each other before and after, and if either one of us feels anxious, we talk it out.

T: What are some ground rules for your relationship?

We practice safe sex, have regular check-ins, and neither of us does anything that the other isn't comfortable with. We're open about how we actually feel rather than holding it in to “protect” the other person.

T: How do you communicate the significance of your relationship to other partners?

With transparency from the get-go, knowing that this isn’t for everyone and that’s ok. But we are the primary partnership, always.

T: What will it feel like for you to see each other with other people, regardless of gender?

If we’re sticking to our rules and actively communicating, gender isn’t really a factor. We just want to love each other deeply and see each other happy in all situations, sticking to our morals and values.

T: How do you feel now?

Lighter. Like we can breathe again. Like we can see each other through the clouds again.

Therapy is a huge privilege, and even though it can be expensive, there are online platforms like Talkspace, BetterHelp, and Headway that offer services at varying price ranges. You can also try researching inexpensive ethical non-monogamy therapy in your area and see what pops up locally, especially if you're without insurance. For queer, trans, and/or BIPOC folks looking for help, there may also be low-cost (or even free) options. Check out Mental Health Liberation or Free Black Therapy for more.

It's no exaggeration to say that couples therapy saved my relationship. It was the only way for my partner and I to move forward without sacrificing our connection. Without it, we wouldn’t have made it this far—and I think it’s pretty special that we have.