Is tolyamory a radical shift or just a repackaged illusion?

Cheating isn’t new. But tolyamory—a combination of “tolerance” and “polyamory”—attempts to put a name to a long-standing reality of relationships that permit infidelity within a structured framework of acceptance. It may sound revolutionary, but the reality of it is far more complex. Infidelity, in various forms, has been happening for centuries—people looking the other way, settling for the status quo, or staying put for reasons beyond love. What makes tolyamory unique is its open acknowledgment of this reality, seemingly challenging traditional relationship norms.

But is this truly a shift or just a repackaging of old patterns under a new label?  Across generations, individuals—particularly in conservative societies—have remained in unhappy relationships, either due to financial dependence, social pressure, or the fear of being alone. For many, the notion of “tolerating” infidelity is not a choice but rather a survival strategy. Relationship expert Chetna Chakravarthy weighs in.

A generational shift or a coping mechanism?

Relationship dynamics have always evolved alongside societal changes. With Gen Z and millennials embracing more fluid structures, tolyamory is often perceived as a generational trend. However, this shift may be more about external pressures than a fundamental change in how people experience love.

“Labelling tolyamory as a Gen Z phenomenon oversimplifies a larger cultural shift,” says Chakravarthy. “While younger generations are seen as progressive, many navigate relationships driven by anxiety rather than autonomy. Social media’s hyper-visibility amplifies the fear of solitude, leading some to stay in situations out of desperation rather than genuine connection.”

At the same time, another demographic—women in their mid-30s to early 40s—is increasingly choosing singlehood over relationships that don’t meet their expectations. The larger trend, Chakravarthy notes, isn’t necessarily about embracing polyamory or infidelity, but about autonomy: the ability to prioritise personal well-being over societal expectations.

The pandemic effect on relationships

The pandemic accelerated shifts in relationship dynamics. With limited distractions and heightened emotional stress, many couples reassessed their partnerships, leading to a deeper examination of compatibility, communication gaps, and personal needs.

Some who had previously ignored infidelity or emotional disconnect were forced to confront these issues head-on. Others, particularly in newer relationships, found their bonds strengthening through shared adversity. The lasting impact appears to be a recalibration of priorities—pushing some toward deeper commitment and others toward more open or flexible arrangements.

Financial dependency?

Financial stability has always influenced relationship choices, but today, economic factors shape decisions in more nuanced ways. While younger generations enjoy greater financial independence, monetary concerns still impact their approach to relationships.

“Money remains a significant factor in separations and relationship decisions,” says Chakravarthy. “A noticeable increase in transactional perspectives—whether through dating expectations or financial negotiations in breakups—suggests that for some, love is intertwined with economic security. This doesn’t mean relationships are purely financial, but financial consequences do influence decision-making.”

For many, staying in or leaving a relationship is as much about practicality as it is about emotional fulfilment. Dating apps create the illusion of endless choices, yet paradoxically, they also reinforce a sense of scarcity—making the idea of starting over feel overwhelming.

Is tolyamory a solution or a symptom?

At its core, tolyamory raises important questions about modern relationships. It challenges the notion that fidelity is the foundation of commitment while acknowledging the complexities of human connection. Yet, whether it represents a true evolution or a reaction to contemporary anxieties remains debatable.

“Rather than seeing tolyamory as a new relationship ideal, it may be more accurate to view it as a coping mechanism—one that helps people navigate their fears of loss and loneliness while maintaining connection,” says Chakravarthy.

As relationship norms continue to evolve, the key question isn’t whether tolyamory is viable, but what drives individuals toward it. Is it a genuine preference, or an adaptation to a time when love, independence, and emotional security often seem at odds?

Lead image credit: IMDb

Also read: What to do when one partner is emotional and the other is logical?

Also read: Decoding the “right person, wrong time” dilemma: Is it ever worth reconnecting?