Why do people enter a relationship with ‘I can fix them’ attitude

Humans have a tendency to 'fix'—be it things or even our near ones. In romantic relationships, one feels the need to fix their partner as they think their partner could be a better person, which in turn will improve the relationship as well. This need to be the saviour is highly problematic. After all, relationships are about two people sharing mutual love and respect for each other, but if one of them thinks the other isn’t good enough and needs to work on themselves (so they fit their perception), it is unfair. People want to be loved for who they are, and not for whom their partner wants them to be. 

Why do people choose to be fixers?

Most often, people who want to be fixers, consciously or subconsciously, see themselves as flawed. They also tend to gravitate toward other damaged people. After repeated failed attempts to fix themselves, they believe they can make their partners better—a version they would probably want themselves to be. Add to that, this new project, poses a challenge and makes them feel needed and in power. They may or may not work on themselves, but desire the gratefulness of the person they fixed. For them, it is a lot easier to help others as it acts as a medicine to the pain they feel within. 

Why is it a problem for the relationship? 

Helping others without vested interest is an act of benevolence. However, if you set out to fix someone with selfish interests it is imposing. You want to fix your partner so much that you don’t take the time to notice if they need help, or in this need to be fixed. If the person sees themselves as the saviour or the one with all the answers, they begin to believe that they possess the power and knowledge to fix their partner’s problems. This messes up a person’s individuality and self-respect. Each person in a relationship needs to have their agency to address their issues. Also, it is important to remember that nobody’s perfect and expecting someone to become so is unfair. It is essential to recognise that personal growth and improvement is an ongoing process. It is unrealistic to expect your partner to change their personality based on your convenience. 

It indicates the beginning of the end

When you exert control and want to fix your partner and try to fix them, they will start feeling suffocated and will look for a way out. Even if you can change the person, it won't last in the long run as the person will, sooner or later, miss his individuality and want to go separate ways. 

What you should do instead

Give more emotional support rather than trying to make things 'right'. Encourage them to do better for themselves, help them heal if they are hurting, and be compassionate and non-judgemental. Act like an equal. Be there for them when they need you. You date a person for who they are—the good, the bad, and everything in between. If their behaviour or parts of the personality are non-negotiables for you, quietly walk away.  

Inputs by Sherene Aftab, founder of Serene Hour Counselling & Career Advice Consultancy, and Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist, Sir H N Reliance Foundation Hospital, Mumbai