If you're the kind of person who wants to get on with your best friends' partners and make then an honorary member of the friendship group, it can be super hard to cope when it turns out that person is a total arsehole. All the couples' dinners you have to grin and bear, while secretly hating every fibre of their being. But, you love your friend and want to be supportive. It's a nightmare and a tricky one to navigate. Should you tell them how you feel? Is it your place to? Or should you STFU and keep your head down?
Here, women who strongly dislike their best friends' partners explain why, and how they cope.
1."We hang out more individually and less as couples (unless my husband likes the guy and they can hang out). I voice my concerns but never enough to alienate her. And I never say, 'I told you so'."
""He is just the personification of smug and pretentious""
2."I’ve never been a fan of my best friend's husband and I told her before they were engaged that I thought she could do better. She married him anyway, and she’s happy so I don’t bring it up. Until last month that is. We visited them and after we left, he made her send us an itemised list of things we 'damaged' in their apartment, for example he said we scratched their door. We didn’t damage anything, we cleaned up after ourselves, drove them everywhere, and paid for our own food while we were there for three days. I let her know he’s made it clear we are not welcome in their home and that we will not be visiting anymore. I’m not cutting contact with her, and our relationship hasn’t suffered for it, so far. I am worried this manipulation tactic could be a sign of abuse and my door will always be open for her."
3."We eventually split ways. She never liked mine, and I didn't like the last guy she was with. She literally told me she went ahead and got into a relationship with him because he was a university graduate and had a job. His entire personality revolved around sports, his beard and that he used to be in a band a long time ago. Literally the most boring person I think I have ever met."
4."When my best friend was dating her now-husband, he and I didn't get along. It was always awkward to be around him. I tried to become at least friendly with him, but it never worked. Right after they signed their wedding certificate, he turned to me and said 'Okay we can be friends now' - which confused me, because I thought he hated me. But honestly? We now have a pretty decent friendship. It surprised me a lot, but I can honestly say he's not as bad as I thought he was when they were dating/engaged."
"She brings him everywhere without telling me"
5."She brings him everywhere without telling me. So if we agreed to go somewhere with just us, at the last minute she'll tell me, 'Oh ___ is coming too!' I've spoken to her about it countless times and she doesn't listen so I don't hang out with them as often or as long. Maybe two to three hours, every so often."
6."I’ve never thought it was my place, but her current SO is terrifying to me and makes my skin crawl. I can’t even pretend and don’t plan to ever be around the both of them again. I won’t tell her as long as she doesn’t ask, but he makes me uncomfortable and I’m not willing to sacrifice my peace of mind for her bad decisions."
7."I don't tell her that I don't like him. When we talk about her relationship/the problems with him, I just tell her that she deserves to feel happy and secure."
8."[Since she married him] we've never been as close as we used to be. We talk, but not about their relationship. I hope she's happy with him, but if she isn't she certainly isn't sharing it with me. I'm to blame, for being so blunt and undiplomatic... But so is she, for sharing such negative things and not expecting a reaction."
9."I have found that voicing concerns a lot of the time will just make your friend stick with the person longer. It’s hard but you just have to let them figure it out on their own. Avoid making comments that are anything but neutral."
"All of our friends and her parents find him insufferable"
10."This is the situation with my best friend right now. She knows my concerns about her SO and why I don't think he's good for her. I listen to her talk about her relationship and sympathise, try hard not to make any negative comments about him. She's gotten to a point where I think she knows this relationship has an expiration date. I try to be a supportive friend, and if they break up I'll support her through that, too."
11."The guy's just a douche. He's not abusive (so far as I know), but is just the personification of smug, pretentious, quiet quirkiness. If this were a children's cartoon, he'd be a talking weasel in a leather jacket. He speaks in an overly formal diction for no reason, bores everyone with facts, and overall just tries to act way cooler than he is. All of our friends and her parents find him insufferable. They're getting married in two months. All of us just keep our mouths shut and try to be supportive."