We know what a healthy relationship looks like, so why do we keep making excuses for the unhealthy ones?

Vijay Deverakonda and Rashmika Mandanna’s recent appearance on Koffee With Karan Season 9 has got us thinking about what we consider romantic in a relationship. Talking about their journey to marriage, Deverakonda revealed that he put their relationship through “every possible challenge” to see if it would last. He wanted to know if they could stick together through difficult days, career changes, and the less glamorous parts of life. Mandanna, meanwhile, recalled asking him about marriage repeatedly. We’re talking 100 times in a year.

Now, wanting to be sure before making a major life decision is fair. But when does taking your time turn into making someone audition for the role of your partner? And why are we so quick to call that romantic?

We’ve all seen this relationship trope play out. The guy who takes six business months to open up is mysterious. The one who can barely communicate his feelings is just “bad at expressing himself”. And the woman who keeps showing up, adjusting, forgiving, and trying to make things work? A hopeless romantic. We love a good love story, but somewhere along the way, we’ve started treating emotional unavailability as a personality trait worth pursuing. Women are often praised for sticking around through their partners’ difficult phases, with far less attention paid to what they need in return. So, when did being in love become a test of how much you can put up with?

When loving harder becomes the romantic ideal

Take Ranbir Kapoor and Alia Bhatt. In an earlier interview, Kapoor acknowledged that Bhatt had “changed more” for him than he had for her. This included making an effort to lower her naturally loud voice because it unsettled him. He also acknowledged that he needed to make more adjustments himself, although whether that happened is another question.

While it was an honest admission, the conversation raises an important question: why does one partner changing themselves to keep the peace so easily become part of the love story? Adjustment and compromise are a two-person job, not a personality makeover one person signs up for.

Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth’s relationship has also been viewed through the lens of holding on, even when things get complicated. After their Malibu home burned down in 2018, Cyrus said she clung to the relationship because it was what she had left. She later reflected that their marriage was rooted in love, but also trauma and an attempt to rebuild their lives quickly. She eventually acknowledged that there had been too much conflict.

Samantha Ruth Prabhu has also spoken about giving her marriage to Naga Chaitanya her “100 per cent”, even though it did not work out. None of these stories tells us exactly who tried harder behind closed doors. But they do make us wonder why women’s efforts to hold on, adjust, and keep going are so often treated as the ultimate proof of love.

Love should not feel like an endless audition

There’s a difference between working through a rough patch together and constantly having to prove that you deserve to be with someone. Taking your time before marriage makes sense. So does having difficult conversations, learning each other’s needs, and figuring out how you handle stress as a couple. But when one person is constantly expected to prove their loyalty, patience, or commitment, the relationship starts to feel less romantic and more like a never-ending performance review.

Justin and Hailey Bieber’s relationship has sparked similar conversations online, with fans questioning whether she puts in more effort while he leaves her to navigate awkward public moments. Last year, Justin faced criticism after appearing to walk away as Hailey got out of a car at an event. Reports have also circulated about an alleged heated argument in which he supposedly told her she would never land on the cover of a global magazine. Clips of the couple at public events have repeatedly fuelled conversations about the singer’s behaviour.

Of course, a few seconds of footage cannot tell us what happens inside someone’s marriage, and both have pushed back against speculation about their relationship. But the online conversation is telling: why is Hailey so often expected to be understanding, while Justin’s behaviour becomes something she, and the internet, have to explain?

To be clear, sticking around when life gets difficult is a good thing. So is giving your partner time to open up. But there’s a difference between being patient and repeatedly putting your own needs on the back burner. Emotional distance isn’t automatically depth, and constantly compromising isn’t a love language.

You shouldn’t have to shrink yourself, swallow your feelings, or keep proving your worth to convince someone you’re serious about them. A relationship can have its messy moments without making one person do all the emotional heavy lifting. Love requires effort, patience, and compromise, but those things should go both ways. After all, the goal is to feel loved, not to keep earning your place in someone’s life.

Lead image: JioHotstar

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