What is BDSM? Here’s your everything-to-know guide for beginners

Ever seen ropes, blindfolds, or a reference to The Red Room of Pain and thought, “Okay wait, what is BDSM, exactly?” Let’s unpack it, because there’s a lot more to it than corsets and Christian Grey, and it’s actually a much more common practice than you might think.

That said, if you’re new to BDSM, you might be wondering why exactly someone would venture into it, and whether or not being a mysterious billionaire is a pre-requisite. (Spoiler: It’s not.)

“People like BDSM because it’s psychologically and physically thrilling, pleasurable, and fulfills needs, just like any typical sexual act would,” says kink instructor and sex expert Julieta Chiara. And as more people are experiencing how captivating chains and whips can be, it’s crucial to learn how to practice BDSM with care. This kink comes with risks, so knowing how to stay safe is a non-negotiable.

That’s why we’re going step-by-step and talking through the logistics (like negotiation dos and don’ts), the emotional stuff (hi, aftercare!), and the how-tos to figure out if you’re more dominant, submissive, or just vibing somewhere in between.

Whether you’re here out of curiosity or you already Googled “do I need a flogger?”, we’ve got you covered. Grab your leather, your questions, and your boundaries, because we’re bringing you the ultimate no-BS BDSM guide has arrived, and we brought the handcuffs.

What Is BDSM?

BDSM is a specific kind of play that falls under the broader umbrella term of kink. Kink can involve a much larger range of activities, whereas BDSM focuses specifically on dynamics within Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/submission (why yes, the Dom *is* capitalized on purpose), and Sadism/Masochism—which, you guessed it, is what BDSM stands for.

“BDSM encompasses a wide variety of practices involving intentional play with power dynamics and intense sensations,” says Celina Criss, PhD, a certified sex coach specializing in BDSM and GSRD (Gender, Sexual and Relationship Diversity). “It is often understood to include role play, fetish, and other practices that aren't considered ‘typical.’”

BDSM can be physical, emotional, and psychological. Play can include sex, but it doesn’t have to include sex. And while your initial idea of BDSM might be coming from what you’ve seen in movies, Jaime Bronstein, LCSW, relationship therapist at AI-lationship platform Joi AI, recommends forgetting what you’ve seen onscreen. “The best dominance isn’t about holding power over someone; it’s about creating a safe, connected space where both people are fulfilled in real time,” she explains. Translation: BDSM is built on trust, communication, and mutual consent (not manipulation or billionaire trauma).

What Does BDSM Play Look Like?

BDSM relationships involve a Dominant partner(s) and submissive partner(s). This is known as a D/s relationship. The sub willingly and consensually gives up power to the Dom during the play (often referred to as a “scene”). Scenes are co-created between the Dom and sub, and can include a wide variety of different acts.

BDSM play can look like:

1. Spanking/Impact play: Using implements and hands to spank/whip/flog your partner.

2. Bondage: The use of ropes, cuffs, and other restraints.

3. Discipline: Where the Dom disciplines the sub.

4. Humiliation: Using certain words or behaviors to consensually degrade the sub.

5. Worship: Where the sub engages in worship of their Dom.

6. Sensory play: Engaging or restricting the senses to intensify arousal.

7. Various role-play dynamics (Caregiver/little, Pet Owner/pet, Master/slave, etc.)

8. And much, much more. BDSM play can really include anything within the realm of consensual power exchange, and that’s what makes it so thrilling.

Why Are People Into BDSM?

At its core, BDSM is all about the giving and receiving of control. When we engage in high-intensity activities like pain-play and bondage, our brains release chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, adrenaline, and cortisol. The rush can be euphoric, explains sexologist Ness Cooper, a sex and relationships therapist.

Adrenaline is the hormone released when our bodies experience a “fight or flight” response. This happens when our brains and bodies perceive that we are in danger. “Pain and pleasure are closely related and processed in the same parts of the brain, meaning that those [who are] into receiving consensual pain can feel pleasure from these BDSM acts,” Cooper says. (Studies confirm this, BTW.)

That said, BDSM is about more than just spankings, chains, and pleasure by way of pain. A large part of its appeal can actually be, dare we say, downright wholesome?

“BDSM is about playfulness, expression, and exploration,” Criss says. It’s an “opportunity to explore your desires and embrace parts of yourself that might not have another socially accepted outlet.” BDSM play offers a place for us to explore our most taboo desires. It's a safe space to enjoy our sexuality and release shame, which can be liberating on multiple levels.

Emotionally, engaging in these activities can also foster intimacy between partners, as there’s a huge amount of vulnerability and trust involved in the consensual exchange of control.

What Does It Mean to Be a Dominant?

Pop culture would have you believe that being a Dominant in BDSM means walking around in leather 24/7 while barking orders. And while that dynamic can exist if it's what both partners consent to and enjoy, real-life dominance is often far more nuanced.

“When people hear ‘Dominant,’ they often picture some over-the-top movie version,” says Bronstein. (Think: Lots of yelling and scary-looking sex toys.) “In reality, it's usually much more subtle—less about ‘being in charge’ in a forceful way, and more about creating an environment where the submissive feels safe enough to explore vulnerability.”

That means reading your partner’s body language, staying attuned to their breathing and reactions, and adjusting accordingly. As Bronstein explains, “The real dominance grows out of trust; knowing your partner's boundaries, communicating clearly, and staying attuned to their emotional and physical responses.”

Ultimately, the best Dominants don’t thrive on holding power over someone—they focus on cultivating “power together.” The goal, Bronstein says, is creating a space where your partner wants to hand over some control because they trust you won’t harm them. That's next-level trust and intimacy.

What Does It Mean to Be a Submissive?

As the title suggests, a submissive is someone who chooses to relinquish a degree of control to a trusted partner in a consensual, negotiated way. That doesn’t mean lying there silently or just doing whatever your partner wants. In fact, Bronstein says submission is highly active and very much centered around the non-dominant partner.

“Being a submissive isn’t about being passive or weak,” she explains. “It’s about deciding to let go in a safe environment and finding freedom in surrender.” That surrender can be incredibly empowering, especially if your day-to-day life requires a lot of decision-making and control.

One major misconception is that submission = taking a backseat. But in a healthy dynamic, the submissive is actually the focal point. “The submissive’s boundaries, needs, and desires are central to the dynamic,” Bronstein explains. “It only works when both people are deeply in tune with one another.” You might not be calling the shots, but the entire experience (or “scene”) is built around your comfort, reactions, and limits.

In other words: You’re the star, and you’re choosing the terms of control by communicating your limits, staying attuned to your body and reactions, and signaling when something feels amazing or needs to stop (and yes, you can always change your mind).

Breaking Down the Misconceptions About BDSM

It’s no secret that we live in a pretty sex-negative culture. We constantly receive false messaging that sex is dirty, or bad. And when it comes to sex that falls outside of the socially prescribed, exhaustingly heteronormative framework—well, let’s just say there’s an actual eff-load of misinformation to weed through.

Let’s unpack some of the misunderstandings that people have about BDSM, because being armed with (actually useful!) information can make play much more accessible, pleasurable, and less intimidating.