When it comes to therapy, as anyone who’s had a session before will tell you, as much as we want the person sitting opposite us to be a sage oracle who has all the answers to our very specific problems, unfortunately it’s against a therapist’s code of ethics to give personalised advice. But! It turns out, that doesn’t mean many mental health professionals don’t experience the urge to shout out “OH MY GOD, DUMP HIM!” mid-session. “As therapists we complete our training with the core belief running through our veins that we are not to give advice due to many potential ethical minefields,” explains psychotherapist Rebecca Moseley, a Counselling Directory member. “We want our clients to have autonomy over their decisions. If therapists influence a client through giving advice on a particular issue or topic — and the client follows this advice with a subsequent negative outcome — this can lead to ruptures within the therapeutic relationship, or cause unintended harm to the client.” That said, Moseley, like the 12 other therapists in this article, admits it’s not always easy to bite your tongue. “We are also human, and our inner voice, which outwardly should remain silent, can, on occasion, shout loudly inside our heads when working therapeutically with clients.” The one time it is okay for a therapist to break rank? When he or she suspects their client is at risk. “In the event there is a safeguarding issue such as disclosure of abuse, there is the opportunity for the therapist to have a discussion where the client’s safety is priority, however their own thoughts on the relationship still need to be private.” These are 13 pieces of life advice from inside the therapy room that the professionals wish they could say… “Just leave! You’re wasting your time in that relationship” Luckily, it doesn’t happen often, but occasionally you hear a relationship described by an individual that is so unhealthy you might want to say ‘just leave’. But of course, you can't — because it is only one person's perspective and so couples work might be the way to go to uncover that. If the partner isn't interested in trying, you know something has to give. I may occasionally also see a couple where there is so much entrenched resentment, distrust, or there is such an imbalance in terms of emotional awareness and/or desire to change that I may think the same thing. Interestingly, in both cases, the client(s) might leave therapy rather than each other which can be frustrating to see.Stephen Westcott is a therapist and BACP registered member “Stop analysing — it’s becoming an excuse to stop you from taking action” Some clients get stuck overanalysing a situation because they already know that acting would change their life. The analysis continues because it would require action, such as setting boundaries or leaving a relationship, and doing something is harder than just thinking about it. It can also show up as trying to fix things alone while relying on the other person to change, which is outside your control. Analysis can feel like progress and control, but it often just delays decisions that come with discomfort.Amanda Ferrara is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Ocean Recovery “It’s time to quit that draining job” Some clients can experience a big life change or a shift in their way of thinking around other life issues, but still fear stepping out of that comfortable work role — no matter how damaging it is to their mental health. Whilst the current job-seeking climate may not be ideal, some clients actually may have financial safety nets in the form of savings, a supportive family or a partner, yet find it impossible to put themselves first in terms of finding a career that interests or values them.Rebecca Moseley is a psychotherapist and Counselling Directory member “The grass isn’t always greener…” I see so many people throw away good relationships because they’re chasing a feeling that doesn’t exist long-term. I sometimes want to say, ‘The grass isn’t greener — it’s just different. What matters is what you build, not what you chase’. Marisa Peer, hypnotherapist and psychotherapist “Stop enabling your child’s bad behaviour” I have seen clients who are parents enabling their loved ones' poor behaviour through excessive financial support. As a friend, I would tell them, "Stop enabling and teach them to adult!" but that is not appropriate in the therapy room. The clinical task is to move from judgment (‘enabling’) to a shared formulation that explores function, impact, and choice, all while preserving the parent’s sense of care and the client’s autonomy. Helen Wells, a Psychotherapist and Clinical Director at The Dawn Rehab Thailand “Think more about yourself and less about others” I see clients killing themselves to improve situations, when the truth is, in relationships you will drown trying to rescue somebody else. In family dynamics, don’t seek approval or validation, just stay with what feels right or best for you. Just stay in your own lane and don’t become distracted.Danielle Gibson is the owner of The Heard Hub and a BACP member “Speak from the heart, you’d be surprised at the results” I have witnessed many cases in which people do not communicate because it is a matter of self-protection. In those instances, people tend to pull away, run away, and close up rather than exposing themselves to possible vulnerability. At such a time, the feeling inside me would like to tell the person that if he or she would only speak from the heart without any kind of defensiveness, the result might surprise him or her.Bonnie Lambert is an Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner at Crestview Recovery “Being a people-pleaser isn’t the same as being kind” My job isn’t to give [clients] my opinion; it’s to create the conditions for them to find answers themselves [...] I’d sometimes like to say pleasing people isn’t kindness — it’s self-abandonment in disguise. Annalie Howling, EMDR practitioner, coach and author of Unapologetic: Unshackle Your Shame. Reclaim Your Power “You’re not being difficult, you’re just in survival mode” When listening to clients, I’d sometimes think, “you’re being unreasonable” or “you’re so selfish”. I came to realise this showed they were in a state of fear — anxiety, anger, withdrawal — which also triggered my own reactions. Saying that out loud would only escalate things. It’s only helpful to challenge someone when both people feel calm and able to think clearly. When we feel scared or angry, our ability to think and relate properly is reduced. People can come across as harsh or irrational in those moments, but that isn’t who they are — it’s what happens when they don’t feel safe.Michael Guilding worked as a counsellor and psychotherapist for 30 years. His new book, Fear In The Therapy Room, is published by Hammersmith Health Books this June “I wonder if part of you doesn’t actually want this problem to go away” This dynamic comes up a lot in dating. Maybe someone feels stuck in emotionally intense relational patterns with people who are ‘unavailable’. They get frustrated from non-committal and want someone reliable, stable but when they do meet someone consistent it feels flat or like there is no spark. It's like the unavailable relationship holds a kind of excitement and may also unconsciously remind them of something more familiar, like having to earn love. I also see this in work/professional life. A person can be burnt out and always taking on extra work. They want to stop, but when given the opportunity to step back or slow down, they can't quite do it. Being reliable, needed, whilst being exhausting, gives the person a sense of value and identity, which is hard to let go of. In both cases, the problem identified by the person has an unconscious meaning, which is serving a function, it has a job. It can protect us or keep an emotional world in place. Letting go and stepping back might seem easy on face value, but it might lead to different, unknown feelings being faced. Like uncertainty, not being needed, risking a different kind of relationship that feels less intense but more real. In good therapy you can and should speak to all this, but therapists need to judge when it will land, when there is enough trust in the relationship and when the person is ready to hear it. Timothy Wright is a BACP registered therapist “I worry about you between sessions” There are clients to whom I’d like to emphasise that I’m aware of how difficult things are for them, but that I will help them to build the strength and capacity to manage those moments when I’m not there. I might choose not to tell a client this as it could unintentionally shift the dynamic away from the session being client-centred, to the client maybe not disclosing as much information out of concern for my feelings, rather than focusing openly on their own experience. Debbie Keenan is a BACP registered therapist “What you’re describing is not love, it’s a trauma bond” There have been times where I’ve sat in a session and thought ‘This isn’t love and no amount of couples therapy will mend this’. Just because someone isn’t physically harming their partner, it doesn’t mean they’re not abusive. Emotional harm that erodes someone’s judgment and self-trust is still abuse. Sometimes I want to say, ‘Your self worth has been trampled upon and you will never be happy with this person. Staying will likely cost you your mental health and confidence’. Leaving may feel painful, but it’s the safer option. I’ve seen so many clients who deserve better.Karen Senior, a Counselling Directory member “You do know you’re too good for that person, right?” I see a lot of clients with self-esteem issues. Without fail every single one of them is a high achiever, with countless talents, attributes and amazing qualities. Quite frequently they either have a partner or family members who delight in putting them down or making them feel less than good enough in one or more areas of their life — and I would love to be able to tell my clients exactly what I think of their partner, mother or friend. But as a therapist my job is to facilitate the client in having those kinds of realisations themselves. And it is far more powerful when they are able to do that, it just sometimes takes a long time to happen!Jo Robinson-Howarth is an advanced hypnotherapist and mindfulness practitioner with a background in psychology
