Can you die from being dumped? It’s time we addressed the real physical impact of heartbreak

The gig was jostling all around her, the crowd engrossed in the musicians on the stage. But Charlie Brogan couldn’t hear a thing. The world was silent. Just months before, she had broken up with her boyfriend of nine years. They owned a house together and, for a near decade, Brogan had thought “he was the person I would spend the rest of my life with”. To try to keep busy and remain ‘normal’, the model and poet had said yes to invites from friends and bought tickets to a gig. But inside she was crumbling. Since the break-up, she had been trapped in a spiralling health cycle. “I had debilitating tonsillitis, I’d take antibiotics for it, and then a week later it would return,” she says. “I hadn’t been sleeping; I was mentally and physically falling apart. But I kept ignoring my body until eventually, at that gig, my eardrum burst.” At 31, Brogan had been through heartbreak before. But it had never floored her like this. She had no idea that anything she was going through physically could be a result of her relationship breakdown. After all, that’s what we’ve all been told: when we think about heartbreak we think in poems, in songs, in films. It’s Bridget Jones wrapped in a duvet, spoonful of ice cream wedged in mouth, or it’s Taylor Swift fans screaming in a stadium, choke-sobbing her lyrics back at her. It’s poetic; it’s not scientific. It’s in the mind, not the body. Except anyone who has actually been through it, who has felt that crushing weight on their chest, their heart literally skipping beats, knows, through their body screaming at them, that what they’re feeling isn’t just ‘in their mind’, it’s being held in their limbs, their bones, their bloodstream. And now, finally, science is catching up with the ballad of the heartbroken, with new research examining exactly what impact it has — and why. Culturally, the conversation is also widening. As grief moves from taboo to the topic of podcasts and TV shows, this comes hand-in-hand with many of us being more honest about the reality of heartbreak. As a result, there are now therapeutically-focused heartbreak hotels and retreats, and Reddit users are even using their smart-tech to monitor and report what happens when they’re dumped or asked for a divorce. But what can we really do with this information? Does being aware of what heartbreak is doing to our health help us recover more quickly, or is it just another thing to worry about on top of everything else? Broken heart club Dr Suzanne Wylie can still remember the patient’s distress. “She was in her early 30s and complaining of tightness in her chest, a fluttering heart, and almost constant fatigue,” recalls Wylie, a GP and medical adviser for IQdoctor. “She was genuinely terrified that she might be having cardiac problems.” After going through a careful assessment, it became clear: the patient’s heart, structurally, was fine. Emotionally? It was spent. “Her body was reacting to the stress of a recently ended long-term relationship.” Cosmopolitan UK spoke to six different experts and all of them confirmed that heartbreak does display a range of physical symptoms. According to researchers at the UCLA, when we lose someone with whom we’ve had an important relationship with, our immune system ramps up to respond as if a toxic organism has entered us. “The [physical manifestation of heartbreak] can be surprisingly varied and sometimes quite severe,” says Dr Wylie. “Heartbreak is a form of severe emotional stress, and the body responds much in the same way it would to other significant stressors. Stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol surge, which can raise heart rate, affect digestion, disturb sleep, and generally place the body in a heightened state of alert.”She continues: “We are adjusting to the absence of someone who provided emotional support, routine, and comfort, which can feel like an internal imbalance and produces real, tangible effects on the body.”In the early 90s, doctors in Japan began to recognise intense chest pain, pressure on the chest, and shortness of breath in their broken-hearted patients. They named the syndrome Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy, or ‘broken heart syndrome’. While no one knows the exact cause of it, the British Heart Foundation suggest that the rush of overwhelming stress hormones, which we experience in grief or mental trauma, can put sudden stress on the heart, causing temporary damage. It’s more common in women and those over 50, and it causes the heart to change shape and suddenly weaken. It can also shorten life expectancy. A new study by the American Heart Association shows that 11% of men have died from it, compared to 5% of women. Until recently, there has been no cure. But last year, the world’s first randomised controlled trial for broken heart syndrome found that 12 weeks of tailored CBT, or a heart recovery exercise programme involving swimming, cycling, and aerobics helped patients’ hearts recover. Meanwhile biological anthropologist Helen Fisher recently studied people who had been dumped, and found that parts of the brain activated were those associated with addiction and withdrawal. And, confirming the idiom ‘the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else’, a peer-reviewed study published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour found that ‘rebounding’ after a break-up is linked with lower psychological distress. It doesn’t solve or erase the heartache, but it does have the potential to stop us ruminating. But while science may be turning its attention to what can help during heartbreak, ultimately, when you’re in the midst of it, the idea of moving on and feeling better can feel impossibly out of reach. A new leaf As she entered her 31st year, Amy Grier thought she knew exactly how the next decade of her life would look. She’d moved in with her boyfriend and was ready to buy a property next, before getting married and having children. But after five years together, her boyfriend blindsided her. “He evacuated our life,” she recalls. “He wanted to go travelling, sow his wild oats, whereas I had thought we were moving onto the next stage.” In her work as a writer, Grier, now 40, was prepared for the physical effects of heartbreak. “I’ve always had a strong immune system, and in my last break-up I caught every cold going. I’d written articles looking into why.” This time she felt it more in her chest: her heart fluttered constantly and she struggled to sleep. While there are only a few studies connecting romantic heartbreak to poor physical health, there’s a wealth of studies looking into the impact high stress, particularly grief, can have on our bodies. “Heartbreak is a disruption to our bodies, our attachment system, our nervous and stress regulation systems and our personal identities,” explains counsellor and Counselling Directory member Lianne Terry. Yet, we still tend to feel that our heartbreak should be solved alone, with friends, or, as the cliches go, tubs of Ben & Jerry’s. It’s an issue for our gal pals, not our GP. Then there’s also the fear that our GP wouldn’t take us seriously. “I had all the thoughts that come with heartbreak — I’m an idiot, I’m unloveable — and they stopped me from seeking medical help. I thought I didn’t deserve the care I needed,” Brogan says. “But I also felt stupid saying, ‘I’m a mess because my boyfriend and I broke up’.” But, explains Dr Wylie, dismissing the physical impact of such a monumental life shift is not advised. “Any new chest pain, severe palpitations, shortness of breath on minimal exertion, or fainting should always be assessed promptly [via the GP] to rule out heart problems or other medical conditions.” Once that’s happened, the real healing can begin.“I had a client who came to see me about two months after the end of a very long-term relationship. She described having chest tightness, a heaviness in her body, and really poor sleep,” explains Terry. “She’d spoken to her GP, who’d advised that the problem wasn’t physical.” After a series of sessions analysing when her symptoms would intensify — usually after contact with the ex or during periods of loneliness — Terry says “she began to express anger and sadness more directly, and the physical symptoms reduced”. For Brogan, being able to finally express herself and admit she needed help was vital in her recovery. After her eardrum burst, she went to a doctor. “That’s when I realised I was very depressed and a lot of my physical symptoms were stemming from that. I went on antidepressants and they gave me the clarity I needed to start physically looking after myself.” Today, she hosts Heartbreakers, a series of online poetry workshops aimed at those looking to process their feelings through writing and poetry. “I find that so many people struggle to voice what they’re going through. Which is why, I think, it stays in our bodies and makes us poorly. It’s like a burning ball of fire inside you that you need to get out in some way.” For Grier, she managed to find a physical way to work through her heartbreak and its accompanying symptoms. “I’d wake up in the morning and feel shaken by the fact my ex wasn’t beside me,” she recalls. “Instead of lying there, I’d get up, into Lycra, and get to the gym.” She admits that it wasn’t at first driven by a desire to work through her emotions in a healthy way, but instead a fear of not wanting to be alone. “I’d go out late at night, then do these workouts hungover. I threw myself into socialising and dating. I must have gone on about 100 dates in the space of one year!” While Grier didn’t think she was handling her break-up healthily, she was, in fact, undertaking the very heart exercises that scientists have recently discovered as a possible cure for broken heart syndrome: swimming, cycling, and aerobics. Showing that, even in cases where the heartbreak isn’t as severe as causing lasting physical damage, moving the emotions into the body does help. “What helps is processing the emotions of the break-up, rather than just pushing through or coping with it,” explains Terry. Alongside the standard boring-but-they-work routines of good sleep, eating well, and exercise, she also recommends regulating the nervous system with breathing and grounding exercises, and limiting triggers, which, yes, includes checking their social media. Put the phone down. “Depending how the break-up is processed, most symptoms should ease within a few weeks,” she notes. “But it can be a lot longer, especially if the loss is unresolved. I worked with a client once who experienced physical symptoms upon bumping into an ex-partner, years after the break-up.” And, she emphasises, “heartbreak is a disruption to our bodies, our attachment system, our nervous and stress regulation systems, and our personal identities”, so it’s no wonder it takes such a physical toll. Perhaps most vitally, knowing that it’s not all in your head can make a huge difference. “I was a broken little bird,” reflects Brogan. “I had tonsillitis nine times in one year! I was about to get my tonsils removed. If I’d have known that people were taking physical symptoms of heartbreak seriously, that would have set alarms going in my head, and I would have been able to get help earlier. Heartbreak is a life changing event. But I didn’t allow myself to acknowledge that. I wish I could go back and give myself a hug and say, ‘You do deserve care — go to the doctor’.”

Can you die from being dumped? It’s time we addressed the real physical impact of heartbreak

Science is finally recognising the harm that break-ups can do to the body. But beyond finding love again, how can we heal our, quite literally, broken hearts?

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