Is TikTok’s “date them till you hate them” theory as toxic as it sounds?

here are many ways to get out of a relationship, some healthy and others…not so much. TikTok’s “Date Them Till You Hate Them” method, as you may be able to tell from the name, falls in the latter category.

The viral breakup theory is attributed to TikToker Meg Neil (@themegneil), who shared the secret to how she managed to get out of a four-year relationship with minimal heartbreak in a 2023 video: “I dated him till I hated him.”

This advice has recently resurfaced, making the rounds online as the latest in long line of toxic dating trends. Essentially, Date Them Till You Hate Them encourages people (especially women) to effectively slow fade out of their relationships instead of trying to fix or actively ending them, emotionally checking out and allowing themselves to build up resentment toward their partner so that by the time the inevitable breakup eventually comes to pass, they’re already over it and ready to move on.

“You’re going to watch them disrespect you…until you no longer want to associate with them anymore,” Neil explains in the video.

And while that’s certainly one (long, drawn-out, exhausting) way to avoid heartbreak, all three of the experts I reached out to for this story agree that it’s not a particularly good way to go about ending a relationship—for anyone involved.

“It encourages people to stop speaking up for their needs in their relationship and instead build up slow resentment,” says psychologist Sarah Hensley, PhD, founder of The Love Doc. “This is the opposite of what securely attached people do. It’s inauthentic and encourages emotional suppression.”

Therapist Lindsey Brock, founder of The Breakup Therapist, went as far as to tell me that Date Till You Hate has quickly become one of her new “least favorite options for approaching a breakup.” So whether you’re in the middle of dating someone till you hate them, considering hopping on the trend, or just curious about this car crash of a breakup method, here’s your guide to the Date Them Till You Hate Them theory, from what it is to why the experts are begging you to avoid it.

What Is the “Date Them Till You Hate Them” Theory?

“The Date Them Until You Hate Them trend made the rounds on TikTok, encouraging women to stay with a partner long past the expiration date of the relationship,” Brock explains. “The idea is that if you stick it out long enough, your toxic, disrespectful partner will eventually disgust you, making it easier to walk away.”

On some level, Date Them Till You Hate Them is a version of the “slow fade” or “avoidant discard,” in which someone quietly distances themselves from a relationship instead of ending it—kind of like a gradual, slow-motion ghosting. But while slow fading is often seen as a somewhat incidental product of conflict avoidance, Date Till You Hate is presented as a more active strategy designed to help people get up the courage to leave their relationships and minimize heartbreak by forcing themselves to come face-to-face with their partner’s flaws and/or endure poor treatment until the love is gone and the loathing sets in.

“Date Till You Hate says, ‘Endure misery now so that walking away later is easier,’” Brock explains.

To be fair, there is some truth to this! “It is easier to leave someone you hate than someone you love,” Brock notes. “But the real question is: At what cost?”

According to the experts, the answer to that question is: an immense one. “It may feel easier in the short-term, but in reality, it can cause far more harm than good by dragging out the pain, prolonging breakup grief, and damaging self-trust,” says breakup coach Natalia Juarez, adding that this breakup method “comes at the cost of wasted time, tolerating disrespect, and dodging the hard conversations that actually make you stronger.”

Why Is “Date Them Till You Hate Them” So Toxic?

While Date Till You Hate may seem like an effective strategy for making it out of a breakup relatively unscathed, there are a number of reasons this behaviour is actually super harmful for everyone involved.

Why Do People Date Till They Hate?

At face value, Date Them Till You Hate Them is about avoiding the pain and heartbreak that comes with a breakup by ensuring you’re already completely emotionally detached from the relationship and/or full of loathing for your partner by the time you finally split. But according to Juarez, “This trend isn’t really about making breakups easier—it’s about justifying them. People stay until they can point to enough disrespect to ‘prove’ the relationship should end.”

Juarez adds that anxiously attached daters, who might be prone to people-pleasing and have a hard time standing up for themselves in relationships, may be especially likely to deploy the Date Till You Hate approach. For these Date Till You Haters, it’s a way of forcing themselves to see their partner’s flaws and come to terms with the fact that the relationship isn’t working and needs to end. These people may feel they need a “reason” to end the relationship, so they create one by sitting back and letting themselves be mistreated. But as Juarez notes, “You don’t need to ‘earn’ the breakup by suffering through the relationship first.”

For some, fear of looking like “the bad guy” for ending the relationship may also play a role. “Our culture often paints the person who leaves as the villain and the one left behind as the victim,” says Juarez. “Due to this stigma, many people delay ending things. By staying longer and repeatedly exposing themselves to enduring more hurt, they’re able to convince themselves (and others) they’ve ‘earned’ the right to leave.”

Avoidantly attached people may also pull this move (à la the aforementioned “avoidant discard”) but for slightly different reasons. “They tend to withdraw, disengage emotionally, and let resentment build rather than initiating an open, honest breakup,” says Juarez.

Either way, there’s always a level of conflict avoidance at play in any Date Till You Hate scenario. “Hating someone feels easier than dealing with the hard conversations and conflict resolutions that naturally go along with breakups,” says Juarez. “It’s a coping mechanism for people who struggle with confrontation or fear being the ‘bad guy.’”

What Should You Do Instead of Dating Them Till You Hate Them?

As always, the best thing you can do for yourself, your partner, and your relationship is to simply communicate clearly and end things with dignity and respect—not avoidance and resentment.

“The far healthier alternative to this toxic trend of dating someone until you hate them is to use this as an opportunity to develop some critical relationship skills that will serve you not only in love but in all your other relationships,” says Juarez. “Breakups are an opportunity to practice essential skills, including communication, setting boundaries, and maintaining self-respect. These skills don’t just shape our love lives, they shape how we show up everywhere.”

As Juarez notes, Date Them Till You Hate Them is basically the relationship version of “quiet quitting” at work. And while these behaviors might seem empowering, they’re really just laziness disguised as peaceful protest—both of which “reveal the same cultural undercurrent: our collective discomfort with conflict, confrontation, and hard conversations,” says Juarez.

“Date Till You Hate is the path of least resistance with a side of severe consequences,” adds Brock. Instead, “Do the hard thing. Believe in your ability to get through heartache. Know your worth.”