I couldn’t get him out of my head. He was the reason I struggled out of bed in the morning, pulled mascara through my lashes, and kept a manic, perma-smile on my face at all times, just in case he passed by. I was 19 years old and working in Boots in Edinburgh; he worked in the record shop a few doors down from my chemist’s branch. Today, I could not tell you what he looks like. Back then, I knew every freckle; I could have drawn the tattoos inked on his bicep by memory. The extent of our interaction? “That’ll be £2.50 please.” I sold him his meal deal everyday. Every now and then he’d ask how I was, or gaze at me from the queue as if he was hoping I’d serve him. But that was it. So why did he dominate so much of my time? Recently, I learned about the state of limerence. It’s a psychological concept and is an involuntary state of intense obsession and longing for another person. While it was first coined back in 1970s, it’s having somewhat of a resurgence on TikTok now. If only I’d heard about it back then — not only does it explains a lot about my obsession with Record Shop Man, but recognising it is the first step to getting over someone (I could have devoted all that energy on someone who offered me more than breadcrumbs). So, what is limerence? How do you know when you’re in it? And how can you move on? To find out, I spoke to neuroscientist Dr Tom Bellamy, who wrote the book Smitten after he went through his own period of limerence, becoming obsessed with a co-worker despite being happily married. It contains his professional perspective of studying it as a neuroscientist, alongside his own experience and the experiences of those he’s spoken to in the decade he’s been delving into the subject. Can you be addicted to a person? “I think it’s best described as an altered state of mind; of profound romantic infatuation,” explains Bellamy. “It’s a feeling that about half the population get when they first meet someone and start finding them attractive. This amazing sense of affinity and desire. In some cases, it leads into a romantic relationship and then transition into love and a mutual bond. But if that’s not possible, or there’s some uncertainty or mixed messages from the other person, then it can become not just a desire but an addictive desire.” When you’re in this state of mind it is, according to Bellamy, a “behavioural addiction” where that person comes to dominate your mind and your life. For me, I was lost in a fantasy where I spent my entire shifts imagining conversations with Record Store Man, my heart hammering in my chest, thinking about the moment he’d come in the door. I’d find ways to pass by his store on my own lunch hour and even spent a chunk of my (small) salary on records. I don’t even own a record player! “One of the key symptoms are extremes of mood, so you feel intense euphoria, excitement, exhilaration, almost ecstasy when you’re with this other person,” he explains. “But if there’s a threat or you start to think something is wrong, you enter into a state of intense anxiety, discomfort, and panic. It can make you feel much more energised and creative, like the world’s in more colour, but then it begins to transition into cravings you don’t feel able to control, as well as intrusive thoughts. It feels like you literally can’t get them out of your head.” He adds that the person becomes the “most important thing in your world” and that you will change your behaviour and your plans at a moments notice and even try to mirror the person you’re obsessed with, changing your opinions and interests to get closer to them. That’ll be me getting all dressed up to flick through indie records when I’m a Taylor Swift girl, then. How long does limerence last? “I met one man who remained limerent for 40 years; that’s the longest case I’ve ever seen,” says Bellamy. “But it can also burn really brightly for just a couple of weeks.” While everyone is different, a definite element of limerence is that the person themselves is a fantasy and are then “incredibly potent as a reward”. But, he adds: “Once you actually see them as a person and that fantasy can’t be sustained any more, then it fades.” In short: the fastest way to get over someone is to get to know them. We’re also at our most vulnerable to it in our teenage years when we’re first discovering our sexualities, but there’s also a peak at midlife (something which could explain many a midlife crisis, and affair…). In his book, Bellamy found that it was the 35 to 45 age range where people tended to report the most limerent experiences. However, it can also be triggered by life circumstances. He says: “If someone is going through emotional turmoil, like bereavement or redundancy, that can make you more vulnerable.” This is because the fantasy of being in this state can offer an escape from the reality of life. “It’s a fantasy you can immerse yourself in, and that can be a distraction. If we’re going through hardship, our subconscious can direct us to find an escape from the pain.” This rings true. When I wasn’t working in Boots, I was back home caring for my mum, who was dying from a brain tumour. Thinking so intensely about Record Store Man and the future I was sure we were going to have together stopped me from focusing on the reality of my life: watching my mum deteriorate in front of me. What sort of people make us feel this way? Throughout our conversation, Bellamy refers to those like Record Shop Man as “limerent object”. Something, he tells me, some people take offence to. “It’s objectifying them and it’s a dehumanising term,” he says. But this is entirely the point, “as this is what it is, they’re objectifying their limerent object and not seeing them as a whole, rounder person. But instead they are projecting their own needs and desires onto this person, as a vehicle for how they will get their satisfaction.” So essentially, we can make anyone into a ‘limerent object’ as they become, in our minds, whoever we need them to be. But there are people whose behaviour makes it more likely we’ll latch on and get obsessed. “Those who generate uncertainty, give hope but then also combine that with uncertainty, escalates the infatuation. I have heard from people who got into a bad limerence situation who came to realise that their limerent object might have narcissistic tendencies, so they liked the attention and cultivated it.” Think: mixed messages, breadcrumbing, flirting, and love bombing, but then withdrawing again and again. “Often I hear that the first thing that made this particular person their limerent object was thinking that they fancied them, so they held eye contact or flirted. That kindles hope but then they’re not sure and the uncertainty begins.” How to get out of limerence and over someone I can remember reaching a state where I was almost driving myself crazy. I didn’t want to be thinking about a virtual stranger this much and felt quite pathetic doing so, but I couldn’t stop. It was like he was Super Glued in my head. But it is within our power to break out of limerence and find freedom. “The argument I make in the book, and the rationale behind my methods for how to get out of limerence, is that you have accidentally trained yourself into this state of person addiction, and you can get yourself out of it,” says Bellamy. He explains that our brains do this slowly and naturally. “In increments through you’re behaviour, you’re reinforcing the connection between this person and romantic reward, so much so that they become this incredibly natural high that you end up pursuing. To get out of that altered mental state you have to reverse that training.” This is all to do with dopamine. “What dopamine is doing is generating a ‘wanting’ drive,” continues Bellamy. “This is why you could end up being in a terrible addictive state where you want this person, even after you stop liking them. Within the brain, those two systems can get uncoupled, and you can get this kind of runaway wanting drive. And so, what’s happened is the dopamine signals for wanting, motivation, and reward-seeking get strengthened, and the executive control that should be between your desires and context, and that should be helping you moderate desire, get weakened. Then you get into a state where one reward becomes completely dominant, and that intense desire is very difficult to resist.” Three steps to reverse limerence Limit contact Step away from their Instagram page. “You’ve got to get away from your supply as much as you can, so that means limiting in-person contact, but also social media, WhatsApp, any channel which you could contact them.” Alongside that, you have to be able to recognise and train your brain to get better at intervening for you, in the habit cycle. “That can be as simple as noticing and thinking, ‘That was a limerent urge’, so that you’re engaging your executive brain in recognising the pattern of behaviour and then interrupting the habit. The moment you start to think, ‘Oh, I wonder if they’ve posted on Instagram’, instead you can redirect your thought to: ‘That was a limerent urge and I don’t have to follow it.” Over time, this gives you enough of a pause to change your behaviour and not follow the instinctive habit your brain has got used to. Spoil your reward There are so many wonderful things in life but, when in limerence, there’s only one: that person. “The issue is that they are the dominant reward in your world, more than anything else,” says Bellamy. “You have to rethink the positive experiences and fantasies you’ve had about them. It’s very common to have built up a rich fantasy world, where you’re daydreaming, but also remembering times when you were with a person and things were good.” These fantasies feel good, and provide an escape, but in order to break free, you have to spoil them for yourself. “Force yourself to remember a time you felt foolish or humiliated and dwell on that instead. It’s teaching your subconscious the reality.” Find healthy rewards One of my other customers in Boots was the manager of a pub across the road, and she, recognising how miserable I was and knowing what was going on at home, offered me a job. It was exactly what I needed: I began to make new friends, develop new crushes (not obsessions), and the Record Shop Man was forgotten. “You need to learn from your limerent episode and use it to recognise where you are in your life, and use that to improve it and find meaning, purpose, and healthier rewards that you can focus your attention and energy on,” explains Bellamy. I needed an escape from the devastation of my daily life, but I also needed excitement. My friends had all gone to university, which wasn’t possible for me, because of my mum’s illness, but clearly I still needed, along with caring for her, the excitements that come with being in your late teens and early 20s. I needed to discover myself somehow, and I thought that a relationship with a cool, older music man would be the way to do that. It wasn’t. Thankfully, my new focus arrived naturally, but if it isn’t happening for you, then it could be worth looking for a new hobby or throwing yourself into a new work project. “It’s about finding a better future that doesn’t involve the episodes from your past,” explains Bellamy. Oh and from personal experience, if you’re in this state, keep your receipts. Waiting until Record Store Man wasn’t working, I eventually returned all the records I bought from him and got my money back. Money that was (healthy in one way, not the other) spent on drinks with my new friends, in the pub. Smitten: Romantic Obsession, the Neuroscience of Limerence, and How to Make Love Last by Tom Bellamy is out now
