#SaneGirlEra: The psychology behind adult friendship breakups and loneliness

Last month, I attended an event that was about starting a book club at a neighbourhood café. The conversation focused on creating a community where people could meet up once a month to read books and discuss chapters that highlighted everyday life and the experiences that shape us. However, the moment I walked into the café, I felt alone and different. I wasn't nervous about attending the event alone or introducing myself to a bunch of strangers. Instead, I felt a deeper sense of disconnect, where I couldn't express myself despite being in a room full of people to talk to. A few hours had passed since the event began, and people indulged in coffee and coleslaw sandwiches, engrossed in conversations about how book clubs work. I, however, did not seem to enjoy it. I felt on edge the entire time I was there, and it was only after I had returned home that I understood what had been bothering me. 

The feeling wasn't social anxiety or discomfort; it was loneliness—the kind that arises when there is a lack of connection, recognition, or belonging. This feeling often causes people to withdraw from situations, making it difficult it is to form friendships as an adult. Even in spaces that are designed specifically to bring people together.

Adulting is hard, and maintaining friendships as an adult can be even harder.

In my clinical practice, I often see people navigating major life transitions in their 30s, 40s, and 50s. These may include getting married, starting a family, switching careers, or moving to a new country. While these milestones can be exciting, they can also be exhausting. Burnout, emotional fatigue, and limited time often leave people with fewer resources to invest in their relationships. And friendships require effort, consistency, emotional presence, and mutual reassurance. When these elements begin to fade, friendships go through distance, which makes people feel unsupported, causing even meaningful friendships to drift apart.

It has become increasingly difficult to sustain adult friendships today, and friendship breakups are becoming far more common for many reasons. Here's why. 

The loss of emotional intimacy

Here, intimacy means emotional safety. It does not matter whether you're a man or a woman, an absence of emotional intimacy in a close group or any new group where you can express yourself freely and feel accepted is where it becomes difficult to build a genuine connection and trust. 

Constantly keeping score

Many people tend to keep a scoreboard of who did what and how much they invested in a friendship. When there is a perceived lack of reciprocity, they feel disappointed, and it can often lead to a growing distance. While mutual effort is important, friendships are not spreadsheets that can be measured and optimised through constant accounting.

The jealousy we do not talk about

Comparison can quietly erode closeness, making it harder to celebrate a friend's success without measuring it against your own. Because jealousy is often accompanied by shame, it is rarely discussed openly, which only deepens feelings of insecurity and emotional distance. Not to mention, it also often deters people from being vulnerable. 

Having unspoken expectations

We often expect close friends to understand our emotions, mood swings, and everything that's on our minds, without having to explain ourselves. However, these expectations are often unspoken. So when these expectations aren't met, you feel disappointed. 

The reality is that people cannot respond to needs they do not know exist. Unless we communicate what we are going through and articulate our expectations, even the most caring friends may struggle to support us in the ways we hope for. Vulnerability is often the bridge between feeling misunderstood and feeling seen.

Idealising friendship

Many of us grow up believing that friendship should be effortless. From Bollywood blockbusters to our favourite TV shows, we're constantly fed stories of unbreakable bonds, unconditional support, and friendships that seem to survive every obstacle without much effort.

The problem is that real life rarely works that way. As we get older, we realise that even the strongest friendships require time, communication, compromise, and consistent effort. Like any meaningful relationship, friendships need maintenance. When we hold them to unrealistic standards, it's easy to feel disappointed when they become complicated or require work. Part of adulthood is accepting that friendship can be both beautiful and demanding at the same time. The bonds that last are often the ones we actively choose to nurture, rather than the ones we expect to sustain themselves.

These are some of the reasons adult friendships can become strained or fall apart. The demands of modern life, coupled with unrealistic expectations and emotional challenges, can make it difficult to nurture meaningful connections. But while friendship breakups are painful, they do not have to be permanent roadblocks to connection.

Coping with a friendship breakup

Think of adult friendship as something that grows through small, consistent actions rather than instant closeness. It's like a recipe; the right ingredients matter, but so does giving them time to come together. And all it takes is participation, engagement, respect, reciprocity, active listening, and mutual exchange (adding some value or knowledge to the space).

Building friendships as an adult

Making friends as an adult begins with something many of us find uncomfortable: putting ourselves in situations where we have to meet new people. That might mean attending social gatherings, joining a class, picking up a hobby, or spending time in spaces that encourage interaction and shared experiences.

When getting to know someone, it helps to focus on what you have in common. Shared interests, goals, challenges, or life experiences often become the foundation of a friendship. You do not need to rush intimacy or invest heavily from the start. Give yourself permission to move slowly and allow the relationship to develop at a pace that feels comfortable.

It's also worth remembering that most new connections feel a little awkward in the beginning. Familiarity takes time. Rather than deciding too quickly whether someone could become a close friend, allow yourself a few months and several meetings to see how the connection unfolds. Sometimes friendship grows gradually rather than arriving instantly.

As trust begins to build, notice whether you feel comfortable sharing more of yourself. Small acts of kindness, meaningful conversations, and mutual support often deepen a connection over time. It can be helpful to check in with yourself after spending time with someone and reflect on how the interaction made you feel. Many friendships start as casual acquaintanceships before naturally growing into something more significant.

At the same time, maintaining healthy boundaries remains important. Building a friendship should not come at the cost of your own well-being. Be mindful of how much time, energy, and emotional effort you are giving, and remember that it is your responsibility to care for your own needs while respecting the pace and boundaries of the other person as well.

Meaningful friendships are often built on mutual effort, respect, reciprocity, and a genuine desire to stay connected. Instead of worrying about where a friendship is headed, focus on nurturing the connection in the present. When both people continue to show up with care and consistency, the bond has the space to grow naturally.

Sane Girl Era is our column featuring psychologist Meghna Karia, who pens down her expert advice to help Cosmo readers find solace and sanity amidst the chaos.

Meghna Karia is a psychologist, psychotherapist, and mental health trainer, trained and certified in REBT from the Albert Ellis Institute. She specialises in treating addiction, eating disorders, anxiety, relationship concerns, corporate stress, and existential crises.

Lead image: IMDb

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