Sex with a gaslighter: A therapist explains the warning signs

In recent years, the term ‘gaslighting’ has entered the public consciousness, but when a word is in such common use, the true meaning can sometimes get lost.

With that in mind, before we get into discussing sex with a gaslighter, it’s worth a quick clarification of terms. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where an individual seeks to exert control over the other by making them doubt their sanity. It is often characterised by a pattern of lying, dismissing someone else’s reality, and manipulation.

Survivors of gaslighting explain that the behaviour is hugely disorientating and isolating, with abusers often taking advantage of their insecurities in order to further their manipulation tactics.

It can be important to know the warning signs of gaslighting so that individuals can spot, and potentially prevent, such behaviour. This isn’t to place the responsibility on victims, however, but a way to spread as much information as possible as a means of harm reduction.

It’s also worth considering one of the lesser-considered areas where coercive behaviour like gaslighting can manifest: during a sexual encounter or other intimate moments of sexual closeness or disclosure.

In the interest of raising awareness of this kind of troubling behaviour and how else it might manifest in sexual contexts, Cosmopolitan UK spoke to sex and relationships therapist Lucy Frank.

Sex with a gaslighter: what it looks like

Firstly, Frank emphasises that gaslighting is often an effort to control and manipulate, or to rewrite the past in a way which favours the gaslighter. “Gaslighting is when someone makes you question your sense of reality. It’s a pattern of behaviour where your feelings, memories, or reactions are repeatedly dismissed or rewritten, until you start questioning yourself rather than the situation,” she explains. “At its core, it’s about power — and about making someone doubt their own inner compass.”

When it comes to a sexual or intimate scenario, someone might use gaslighting as a technique to undermine someone’s consent or to escape accountability after a coercive encounter. “In sexual situations, gaslighting often shows up around consent, boundaries, and desire. In my experience, it might sound like, ‘You wanted it really’, ‘You’re being dramatic’, or, ‘That’s not how it happened’,” says Frank.

Ultimately, this is a way of controlling another individual and avoiding taking responsibility for coercive or abusive behaviour. “Someone might minimise discomfort, reframe pressure as passion, or suggest mixed signals where clear boundaries were expressed,” she adds. “Over time, the focus shifts away from how the person felt and onto defending the other person’s version of events.”

How being gaslit over sex impacts you

Ultimately, gaslighting doesn’t just impact you once. Rather, it can lead you into accepting a false narrative and force you to doubt yourself in the future.

When it comes to having been gaslit about sex, you may be left with a less strong conviction in your own boundaries or with the feeling that sex is about pleasing others rather than having your needs met.

“Being gaslit around sex can leave people second-guessing themselves in intimate moments, wondering if their ‘no’ is valid, if their discomfort is justified, or if they’re ‘making a fuss’,” Frank explains. “Often it comes with guilt and shame that they might not be fulfilling the needs of their partner. For some, sex becomes something to manage rather than enjoy; for others, it may feel safer to avoid it altogether. Pleasure can get tangled up with anxiety or self-blame, which is deeply unfair but very common in my therapy room.”

What to do if you’ve been gaslit about sex

No matter the efforts of the gaslighter, they often can’t eradicate the little twinge inside of you which knows that what they’re saying isn’t — and can’t be — true. However faint that feeling is, it is instrumental to listen to that internal voice, and to see where it takes you.

After being gaslit in an intimate context, one of the best things you can do is turn inwards and try to decode what you’re thinking. “Start by taking your reaction seriously,” Frank advises. “Confusion, unease, or a sense that something wasn’t right are signals, not overreactions — our intuition is there to guide us, listen to it.”

From there, a bit of support will make a huge difference. Whether reaching out to a friend, getting professional advice, or contacting a charity helpline, being able to talk through what has happened will help you to make sense of the experience and affirm your version of events. “Talking it through with someone safe — a friend, therapist, or specialist support service — can help re-anchor your sense of reality,” Frank explains.

It can also help to build yourself back up again ahead of another intimate encounter, learning more about boundaries to help give you the language to navigate areas of consent. “Learning more about consent and boundaries can also be empowering,” concludes Frank. “Not to analyse the past endlessly, but to rebuild trust in yourself going forward.”