‘We have arguments with our backs to each other’: 11 couples on the most valuable lesson they learned in therapy

Every couple goes through highs and lows, peaks and troughs. Part of what makes relationships so special is the commitment to see things through, to the best of your ability, and to respect and cherish the connection you have, even when it gets hard. But, look, sometimes we need a bit of help muddling through — and that’s why more and more couples are turning to counselling to give us the tools to navigate conflict and reach a deeper level of intimacy and vulnerability.

Historically, we might have thought of relationship therapy as the reserve of decades-long married couples finding themselves in a sex drought, a sort of marital hail mary. However, in 2019, counselling charity Relate reported a 30% increase in clients in their 20s and 30s seeking couples therapy in the UK over the last five years. The major shift is that people aren’t just turning to therapy when they’ve reached breaking point: instead, they’re proactively seeking out counselling in order to resolve issues, break patterns, and have an overall happier relationship that’s more likely to go the distance.

However, we’d be lying if we said that therapy was for everyone. It’s also a big commitment in terms of both time and money. So, to help you gauge if couples therapy is for you, and to pass on some helpful tips, we tracked down 11 couples to hear the biggest lessons they’ve learned in therapy.

11 couples on the most valuable lesson they learned in therapy

Bring positivity

“Our therapist always said it was all a numbers game. Basically, in a healthy relationship there should be five positive interactions to every negative interaction. Keep your eye on the quality of your interactions, and try to bring positivity into the relationship when you see it slanting on the more negative side.” — Amy and Holly*

Strive for brutal honesty

“Honesty doesn’t come easy. Having a space every week to come together and talk about our relationship pushed us to a kind of breaking point, where I felt like I had to be really honest and we had to speak to each other openly. We came out of it so much healthier but it was gruelling.” — Samira and Josh*

Leave doubt at the door

“Try not to bring doubt into the relationship. I always used to say things like, ‘I bet you wish you were with other girls’ — you know, typical insecure stuff. I used to also be guilty of threatening to break up each time we fought, not thinking that it would be taken seriously. Through therapy, I learned that this introduces a level of insecurity into the couple, and shakes the foundations.” — Davina and Kyle*

Make time to reconnect

“Make sure that there is time to repair after each argument. We used to just argue and argue, without scheduling in quality time afterwards. That made it hard to recover as a couple, and would keep us stuck in a cycle of blowing up, walking on eggshells, and resentment rising… until we blew up again. Now, we make sure to have time to reconnect both physically and emotionally. It can be as simple as just saying five things we love about each other and then snuggling on the sofa watching a show we like on Netflix, but it’s important for us to create positive moments after a falling out.” — Dave and John*

Don’t take everything so seriously

“Find the funny side! Humour is a great way of putting disagreements back in perspective, while also helping to keep the energy positive while in a long-term relationship. It’s so easy to get stuck in a routine, going through the motions. Making sure you can laugh together is a way of ensuring that life together is so much more positive. Regardless of how bad things are, at least you can see the bright side.” — Laurie and Maya

Don’t look for quick ‘fixes’

“Stop looking outwards for things to fix your relationship. Opening up the relationship to non-monogamy, going on sabbatical travelling, adopting a puppy, getting engaged… none of that stuff will make you stronger as a couple. Before you take any big steps, look inwards and work on the problems you’re facing in the relationship. You can’t move forward without resolving your issues first.” — Laura and Naomi*

Avoid parenting each other

“Try not to be an enabler. If your partner doesn’t seem capable of cleaning, cooking, looking after themselves, or anything else like that, it’s not your place to be their mother. This will only make you resentful. Set firm boundaries, learn to sit with the discomfort of watching them flail [rather than doing everything for them], and prioritise your own needs. The two of you can move forward and into a healthier space if you stop falling into the same patterns.” — Ashley and Emma*

It might be time to break up

“To break-up! Things weren’t working, but we lived together and she begged me to do couples therapy. When we did the session, the therapist basically listened to us both and was like, ‘Yeah, you both need to decide what you want because this clearly isn't working’. I ended things shortly after.” — Zia

You have to put in the work

“Couples therapy alone won’t fix the issue, it’s more of a safe space to bring up the issue. You and your partner have to bring it up, actually talk about it, and dig into the resentment. Follow through is arguably more important than showing up and getting through the meetings.” — via Reddit

Don’t play the blame game

“Everything is relational. It’s never just one person’s thing. Often, people play different roles in a relationship, and feed off each other’s energy. You have to learn about how you show up in a relationship, what triggers you, what upsets you, and the patterns you need to break. Don’t rush to push down a difficult feeling or distract yourself. Sit with that emotion and listen to it.” — Cynthia and Andrea*

Learn how to argue

“We had reached such an impasse in our relationship that we were saving all our conflict for therapy sessions. Our counsellor suggested that when we wanted to raise a concern, we do so sitting back-to-back, with a time limit on saying our piece. So, we’d essentially be having arguments with our backs to each other. It felt super unnatural at first, but over time, I found that not looking at my partner made it easier to say some things. I wasn’t anticipating her reactions. And it also prevented me from butting in when she was speaking, enabling me to really process what she was bringing up. Now in general, I feel a lot more confident in putting my points across in a calm, rational way.” — Florence and Greg*

*Names have been changed