How to Get *Exactly* What You Want in Bed

Somewhere along the space time continuum, while women were learning tips and trick to give explosive (pun intended?) blow jobs, many women forgot how to ask for what they want in bed. That's not to say knowing how to give a dynamite BJ isn't a worthwhile skill to have in your pocket — and obviously pleasing your partner is mega-important when you're in a relationship — but, hello, you deserve to be satisfied, too.

The problem: A lot of women don't even want to ask for what they want, or they're scared, or they just scurry off to get a Brazilian wax while praying to the gods of cunnilingus that maybe, just maybe, he'll get the hint that you want him to go down on you. While that may or may not do the trick, these tips certainly will help you get off with your partner.

Talk about what you want outside of the bedroom (and practice asking for it then!).

Feel awkward asking for things in the heat of the moment? Well, you can't expect to get to the Carnegie Hall of sexual pleasure without, ahem, practice.

"I always think it's better to practice saying what [you] want," sex therapist Sari Cooper says. "Talk outside the bedroom ... say here's what I really like, [it's] something that gives me a lot of pleasure, and I'd love to do it more frequently."

Oh, fun fact: You probably need to know what sort of touches you like, too. That means it's time to masturbate (hi, vibrators!).

Give feedback!

As much as many women would like to believe that men can read minds, the unfortunate truth is that they can't. Womp womp. And, since men are not equipped with full knowledge of how vaginas work since they don't have them, do not expect him to know exactly where to touch, lick, or flick you.

But that doesn't mean you have to act like a drill sergeant during oral — or any sort of sex, for that matter. The operative word is "feedback," not " directions."

"You don't need to hand a guy a list of explicit directions for how to make you orgasm [during oral,]" says sex therapist Vanessa Marin. This isn't a treasure hunt! Directions imply that things need to be done in a specific way, whereas feedback simply focuses on what you're enjoying in the moment. Even simple statements like, "that feels good" or "that feels even better" will help you both relax and enjoy the ride.

Oh, and don't forget: It takes longer for women to finish than it takes for men. So don't. Apologize.

Try touching yourself in front of your partner.

When words do not suffice, try using your hands — in front of your dude.

"[That's] one of the things I think is actually really helpful but a lot of people are very shy about doing," says Cooper. "Touch yourself in front of your partner to say, 'this is what feels good" and then maybe take your partner's hand and guide them with your own hand.' No, [you] can't do that with [his] tongue, but you certainly can with fingers and toys."

Then, suddenly, he's touching you where you want.

Remember that you are permitted to feel good.

"I think pleasure a God given right," says sex therapist Dr. Megan Fleming, and yet, "so many women ... take it or leave it."

But that's the problem, she says — if a woman is acting like she doesn't care and says she doesn't want pleasure, then she has no way of even knowing what she's missing out on. And that kind of apathy and complacency in the bedroom, she says, inhibits women from getting turned on. If you do feel that way, though, she says that it might be worth it to do some work to understand why that is. After all, sex shouldn't be a chore!

Via.