Confession from a man: I love being the small spoon too while cuddling!

I, the taller and bigger of the two in my relationship, always make it a point to go the extra mile when it comes to making my girlfriend feel protected and safe through physical acts of love. Muscle memory immediately kicks in when we’re walking which sees me (always) on the outside. Words can’t describe how good it feels to be the ‘bigger person’ and give my partner a warm and tight hug at the end of the day as we embrace. Just like me, there are many men in heterosexual relationships who love cuddling with their female partners because nothing makes them feel more protective of their loved one. Being the big spoon is what one would mostly see as the man wraps his arms around his girl making her feel all warm and fuzzy. At a time and moment that’s all about letting your guard down and being emotionally vulnerable, we’re witnessing a change where men are the small spoon and see (and feel) their partner wrap their small arms around them. 

Where did this come from? And are we seeing a change in how women perceive men? We speak to two sex experts to find out more. 

The need for men to be the small spoon

Cuddles are a love language that makes you feel warm, connected, and secure. At the same time, there’s no one way to cuddle and sometimes, men want to be the smaller spoon and be cuddled too. They want to be held as well. “Those who protect, want to be and feel protected,” says Khushi Parikh, Sexuality Counsellor and Therapist at GetIntimacy, who couldn’t have explained the entire theme of this topic any better. Parikh goes on to say that regardless of gender, a gesture such as cuddling, “Is a basic human need of connection, care and security. All of us crave this and it’s something that we tend to find with our significant other. But, due to traditions and gender roles, it’s very common for women to seek and get it. Men were seen as protectors, while women were considered submissive.”

Pallavi Barnwal, sexuality and intimacy coach and founder of GetIntimacy, speaks about another reason, a possible root cause as to why men might feel the need to be the small spoon. “One could see this in men who grew up with emotionally unavailable or abusive mothers, and seek their unmet needs from childhood in the relationships that they are in. All that they want is validation and acceptance.” Barnwal further reiterates this point by talking about one of her clients. “She had told me that she was spooning one of my sexual partners asked him if he had ever been the small spoon while cuddling, to which he’d said no. She was a bit surprised because he had more sexual partners, so she’d assumed he might have been the small spoon too. Due to the gendered expectation that guys will be the big spoon and girls will be the small spoon, she felt nice that she was the first one to do that for him.”

Things and the small spoon are changing

Men, have always been protective and provided that sense of security. “When we encourage men to be the small spoon, it challenges the gender role and redefines their masculinity. There’s a huge change in how women see masculinity right now. They see men who are softer, individuals who can express their emotions and are comfortable taking space in the relationship. Women today don’t want men to go into battle. Now, it’s all about co-dependency and how two people can exist and grow. That only comes when you’re caring for them. If you’re caring for someone as a man, it feels great when you get to feel the same. When you’re the small spoon, you get to be held and have that release of oxytocin. It’s a reason why cuddle therapy has become such a big thing. Men are so deprived of touch and intimacy that they’ve gone to sex workers just not to have sex, but just be held,” says Parikh. When someone does the things that they do, to them, men recognise the place from where they’re coming from and realise that it’s their time to be taken care of. 

This change in dynamic is great for the relationship as both partners get the chance to feel nurtured, says Barnwal. “There’s a power dynamic in the relationship where the man is the stronger partner where he’s perceived to be protective, take charge and be the caregiver. The women provides to the relationship in other ways. Shifting the dynamic can be important when the man is the smaller spoon as this promotes mutual respect and support. I don’t think one partner should be one thing and the couple should keep things fluid in the relationship. Don’t look at different positions as ‘the man does this and the woman does that’, but as a couple. When you see things as a couple, you see things in sync. When you look at things that way, a lot of things get blended where you bring out your desires. This shift can help. You give and take comfort whenever you want to and there shouldn’t be anything to stop you and your partner from doing so.” 

How does one have this conversation?

Men want to be cuddled, but might not say it. How does one overcome it? Parikh suggests the couple start taking little steps. “Like mentioned earlier, society pushes the notion that men have to be strong and protect others. Being held creates a sense of emotional safety and allows them to put their guard down for a change. When we talk about this, we speak about vulnerability. And this comes from the small things. It might be intimidating for the guy to say that he wants to be the small spoon, so start small. Begin with hugs and then take things forward. Women, need to anticipate and know when their man needs to be held. Switch things up, take charge. And hold your man.”

Lead image: Netflix

Views expressed in the article are solely of its author's and the respective experts credited for inputs. 

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