How to make a relationship work if only one of the partners is punctual

There are two kinds of people in the dating world—those who turn up for a date on time and those who don’t. While love makes them worth the wait, the delay (which often is lengthy and probably recurring) can become a huge problem and a reason for many arguments and fights. Of course one can argue, ‘you should reach a bit late or early knowing your partner', but we spoke to two experts on how a couple can strike the sweet spot, and here's what they have to say. 

Is it necessary to be punctual in a relationship?

Punctuality can be one of the things a partner looks for in their partner when they start dating. In that case, it may become a problem for the couple. It may come across as disrespectful or not valuing the other person's time. While they might be two different people, their taking time out for each other and things that matter to them binds them. That said, often, the punctual individual is bound to be hurt if the partner is a perpetual latecomer, while they won’t feel too terrible if their plus one was late for a genuine reason. 

A two-way street

It's not just the punctual person who is hurt or angry in the equation. While one partner is always fashionably late, the other comes across as a stickler for punctuality. People work at different wavelengths and it is important to realise that it’s not that your partner doesn’t value your time or you, for that matter; it’s just that they function in a way where the word schedule isn’t part of their dictionary. So instead of waiting for them for what feels like forever, talk it out. And get to know why being on time and not being on time matters to the two of you—it's the first step to make a positive change.

Set the right example

Your partner will probably know how to be on time only if you show them how it’s done. The punctual partner should show how they function, how the plan in advance, how they prioritise their tasks and so on, and suggest ways their partner can do so, too. The punctual one can help their partner by giving timely reminders and following up with them. They can also let go some times and be okay with reaching late or being more relaxed.  

Be respectful towards the partner

Time management might be your biggest strength and your partner’s biggest weakness. It’s important to not force their lifestyle down their throat as it's very disrespectful. The success of this effort rests entirely on the love, support, and information that you provide in making it work. Some examples would be you letting them know where the date or a party is, what the dress code is, and what time they need to leave so that they reach on time. For events that are extremely important for the two of you, try being by their side so that you can help them get ready and be on time. These small gestures go a long way. 

Along with communication, empathy and respecting each other's boundaries matters a lot. The punctual person can understand and appreciate that their partner is less stressed when not pressed for time, while the latecomer can understand the importance of punctuality. Reaching a middle ground, here, is key.

When there is a shared goal, the chances of both partners complying with each other changes a lot. What happens is that both are able to manage their time late (the punctual person can come a bit later, while the latecomer can come earlier) with the end goal, of going on a date being achieved. 

The latecomer should give a heads-up

Communication is the key to a happy, successful, and long-term relationship. When it comes to two very different people, one punctual and the other not so much, the latter must let their partner know they’ll be late. This helps the punctual partner to plan ways to while away the time that they would spend waiting. It’s a major red flag if the latecomer only gives false updates about their whereabouts. The lack of clarity leads to anxiety and a person feeling uncomfortable. Who wouldn't hope for a partner who lets them know what time they’d arrive instead of them always ‘being on their way’. Be aware of these patterns. 

The window of opportunity

It’s best explained via an example that’s tried and tested. If you’re meeting someone for dinner at 8:00 p.m., give them a buffer (say 30 minutes or so, as per your waiting threshold) beyond which you just won’t wait. This offers both people the best of both worlds as it teaches the former a lot about patience while it gives the other person some leeway. This buffer differs from person to person. What's important to remember here is that as much as the punctual partner is frustrated about waiting, the person running late could feel anxious about not turning up to the place on time.  

Which is more harmful, being early or being late?

When it comes to dating, reaching before time is as big a problem (if not more) as reaching late. If the coffee date was for 5:00 p.m., and if one of them turns up 10 minutes before the decided time and their partner arrives at 5:10 p.m., it does not give the early arriver any authority to be angry that they waited for 20 minutes. Being early doesn’t mean you’re punctual. Being early as well as late are both concern areas because it basically says that you have no respect for time. If you arrive early, you don't respect your time, while coming late means that you don't respect the time of the person who called you. 

Inputs by Sherene Aftab, founder of Serene Hour Counselling & Career Advice Consultancy, and Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist, Sir H N Reliance Foundation Hospital, Mumbai