Is codependency affecting your relationship?

In a world that often champions selflessness and emotional labour, many of us end up in relationships where we give more than we receive, believing it’s the way to show love. Codependency is when one person consistently puts the needs of others before their own, thinking it’s all part of caring. But this isn’t sustainable. Over time, it can leave us feeling exhausted, unseen, and stuck in a cycle of sacrifice. The truth is, love and connection don’t require us to lose ourselves. Breaking free from codependency isn’t just possible—it’s crucial. Understanding the psychological roots of this pattern and taking steps to reclaim our autonomy can lead to healthier, more balanced relationships built on mutual respect and true care.

Recognising codependency

The first step to healthier relationships is spotting the signs of codependency. “Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They under-react. But rarely do they act,” writes Melody Beattie in Codependent No More.

Codependency often shows up when there’s an overwhelming urge to fix or save others. “For example, if someone asks for help, a codependent person might go out of their way to offer support—even if it means sacrificing their own well-being,” says relationship expert Shahzeen Shivdasani. While helping others is natural, she points out that it should never come at the cost of your own needs.

People with codependent tendencies often tie their self-worth to others’ approval, feeling guilty or anxious when prioritising themselves. At its core, codependency is driven by a fear of abandonment, leading to emotional overextension and a depletion of personal boundaries. Shivdasani explains that codependency can often be a survival mechanism rooted in fear of rejection or loneliness, causing us to lose sight of our own emotional health.

 

Reclaiming your space

“For codependents, saying no feels nearly impossible, but it’s one of the most powerful ways to regain peace of mind,” says Shivdasani. “The power of no is a declaration of self-worth and an act of self-love. And the best way to say no is simply to say no.”

Reclaiming your space means examining the beliefs that make boundaries feel so difficult to set. Often, these patterns are learned in childhood, especially in environments where love or validation was conditional. To break free, we need to start seeing boundaries as an act of care—not just for ourselves but for others too.

“Also, understand that you can't—and shouldn’t—try to make everyone happy,” adds Shivdasani. “When you're truly happy and confident in yourself, that energy becomes healing for those around you as well.”

Take, for instance, a codependent dating scenario: someone constantly reassuring their partner emotionally, even at the expense of their own needs. Instead of always saying “yes,” they could calmly set a boundary: “I understand you’re feeling uneasy, but I need some time for myself tonight. Let’s talk tomorrow.” This simple act of saying no affirms their own needs while fostering healthier communication in the relationship.

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean shutting people out. It’s about creating a balanced dynamic where both people can thrive. “True connection is built on mutual respect, not how much you're willing to sacrifice,” Shivdasani concludes.

Prioritising self-care

 

In Codependent No More, Beattie highlights the power of detachment, a practice that helps people detach from emotionally charged situations and reconnect with their own needs without outside interference.

Shivdasani explains, “Detachment starts with recognising where your responsibilities end and where someone else’s begin. Codependents often feel the urge to fix things that aren’t theirs to fix, which only adds to their emotional involvement. Ask yourself: Is this really my responsibility? If the answer is no, take a step back.”

It’s also important to make time for activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul, whether that’s journaling, exercising, or simply enjoying some quiet alone time. Detachment isn’t about being selfish—it’s about taking care of yourself. “Consider whether a situation genuinely needs your attention,” she suggests. “Remember, trying to control another person’s emotions or choices often leads to frustration and resentment.”

Lead image credit: Getty Images 

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