The Life of a Professional Dick Pic Critic

Since the dawn of cave art, man has etched images of his penis for generations to admire. It's no surprise then that since the dawn of the smart phone, he's been snapping pictures of it and distributing them to the masses.

Mostly, the masses don't love it.

That's why Madeleine Holden created a blog dedicated to improving dick pics.

"I've received my fair share of terrible, unsolicited dick pics, like many women online, but it was actually an especially good, welcome dick pic that sparked Critique My Dick Pic," says Holden. (All links are NSFW, obviously.) "I was jarred by how unusual it was to receive a creative, high-quality dick pic by someone who wasn't a stranger."

Holden started the blog in September of 2013 and has continued it as a side hustle. Though she's not about to quit her day job as a lawyer, the blog allows her to make money from private reviews and has opened up more writing opportunities. To some, it may seem like a silly hobby, but Holden is all business — she doesn't mention the dick pics in the law office, and she's never gotten intimate with any pics senders — and says she's providing a service the world needs​.

Holden says the most typical dick pic is the "log": the top-down, all penis, straight shot, usually over a crusty bathroom sink. Where's the passion? Where's the sense of mystery? Where's the je ne sais quoi a love interest deserves?

She emphasizes that a sensational dick pic is not about the size of the penis nor the shape of someone's body. In her mission statement (yes, her blog has one), she says, "this is a tumblr with a simple premise: send me your dick pics, & i'll critique them with love. 'with love' is an important addendum," she writes. "i'm never going to shame you about the size of your dick or what it looks like; … i will, however, be ruthlessly honest when it comes to things like angles, lighting & general tone. i'm trying to help you improve, because in all likelihood your dick pics are artless & dull."

Comments from Holden, who's also an amateur photographer, read like art critiques. "the framing is expertly done …there's a wee bit too much glare in the upper third." While she has no formal educational background in art history, she says she has a long-standing love of art, pop culture, and criticism, both cultural and artistic. ​

According to Holden, the vast majority of penis portraits are lazy and rushed, nothing but an advertisement of size, some with inanimate objects pressed against them for scale: an open flip phone, a remote control, or a full-size tube of Crest Complete Whitening Plus Scope Toothpaste (and not the travel size either).

What woman but a saint working for the good of all humanity would endure the hard labor of reviewing everything from a dick flopped in a glass of rum to a dick in a mug and a dick in a hot dog bun? Oh, look, here's a man in full clown makeup, caressing his penis with the star-shaped end of his glittery pink wand. Holden discourages joke photos, but readers can't resist sending in a frozen shaft poking out of a carefully laid snowman, or a dick dressed up like an office worker wearing a tie, with a speech bubble that says, "Expense reports."

"You had the right idea, sender, but you executed it sloppily," she writes of one blurry log shot, to which she gave a C+. Harsh as she can be, Holden is a patient teacher, and she encourages these lost souls to study the A-grade photos closely and improve their skills. A few redo their homework with the hope for a higher grade.

"I get sent quite a few second and third attempts, and they always show evidence that they're listening and improving," Holden says. "It's really encouraging." And some people even have support from their partners. "Women tell me constantly that they've directed their partners to my site."

Holden says she receives 100 to 250 penises in her inbox every week — perhaps more than anyone else on the Internet, which is saying a lot. Her well-informed tips for good dick pics? No clutter in the background, zoom out a bit to include non-dick body parts such as the torso and thighs, and pay attention to the lighting. Generally natural lighting is best, and the harsh glare of a laptop screen is worst.

There's some payoff, however, when she gets works of art.

"i would go on a date with you off the strength of this dick pic," she writes of one sender, who sent a well-lit standing photo of his thighs and phallus against a backdrop of a tussled bed. "i would give you free legal advice off the strength of this dick pic. i would frame this dick pic."

Her all-time favorite shot? "It was a series of pictures which were technically dick prints, where the dick is visible through underwear or trousers rather than naked. The pictures were playful and expertly composed, so I awarded full marks. That's the only submission I remember losing my professional composite [​sic​] about."

Which is the point, as Holden writes. "dick pics should primarily aim at being hot; … the main point should be to turn someone on or at least to entice them."​

"Hot," she is quick to point out though, is subjective. Even though her rule is "100% ANON, NO BODY SHAMING," men commonly write in with apologies for their bodies. One man sent in a sad photo with a magnifying glass held in front of his penis.

"It's given me a huge insight into how insecure men are about their dicks and their bodies more generally," says Holden. "They worry about size, hair, veins, bends, discoloration and fat to an enormous extent."

Guys should be confident about their dicks pics, Holden says, because after all, if you don't love your own dick, how can you ask someone else to? Loving your body first is a must, but for her there are many lines that shouldn't be crossed. It gets on her nerves when someone is "Porky Pigging," wearing a shirt and nothing else. Leaving laundry in the background, a blurry shot, and, of course, the log: all definite don'ts. It almost annoys Holden most when there's little to no effort at all.

But the ultimate don't is simple and crucial: Don't send one unless it's been requested. "every day dick pics are thrust into the faces of unwilling female recipients, & they're widely hated for this reason. dudes (& it is invariably dudes): DON'T DO THIS. Ever," writes Holden under a photo she posted of an unsolicited shot her friend received. "foisting your penis onto someone who hasn't consented to see it is hostile, rude & deeply unsexy… unsolicited dick pics forever & always get the hardest of D-'s."

It seems as if a bad dick pic is a lot like bad sex: rushed, sloppy, and all about the man. A great dick pic, however, one from a gentleman, is all about what their partner wants.

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