We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together!

When Aashna first met her ex, “he made me laugh like no other human being”. After a year of fun banter, Aashna wanted to get more serious—but Dev didn’t. So she broke up with him...and, a few months later, got back together with him. Then broke up with him and got back again. “I’d want more and end it, then he’d panic and chase me,” says Aashna. “I’d think, ‘Oh, he does want the same things, he knows he made a mistake’. Then I’d get back together with him and the whole cycle would happen all over again.”

Aashna and Dev aren’t the only ones breaking up and making up on a loop. Dating déjà vu happens to lots of us; an estimated 44 per cent of people aged 17 to 24 have reconciled and started over with an ex-partner, according to a study by Bowling Green State University in Ohio and the University of Wisconsin at Milwaukee. The study also found more than half of those on-and-off daters said they slept with their ex post-breakup. For most couples who rekindled the flame, it was an ongoing cycle—on average, yo-yo daters broke up twice in one year, according to the study’s co-author Sarah Halpern-Meekin, who’s now an Assistant Professor of Human Development and Family Studies at the University of Wisconsin at Madison.

It seems like chronically dating your ex has never been more common—mainly because people tend to wait longer to get married. “We have more time to be in relationships in which we might breakup and get back together,” says Halpern-Meekin. “We have more ambiguity in our relationships today.” In the past, you were either dating or broken up. Now, thanks to a culture that’s way more accepting of casual sex, breaking up is a slippery slope that can lead to ex-sex, a friends-with-benefits situation, or round two in your relationship. Plus you can dump your ex, but unless you have the Herculean strength to unfriend him on Facebook and unfollow him on Insta, you’re constantly reminded of his life. “You get one tiny urge to e-mail or text that person, and boom! It’s too easy,” says Aashna.

“You can’t cut that person out completely and heal.” The result? An entire generation that isn’t really sure how to breakup—and mean it.

GET IT ON (AND OFF)

Honestly, though, who can really blame us for habitually dating our exes? Many of us spent our formative years watching—and romanticising—rocky on-and-off relationships on TV, such as Carrie and Big on Sex and The City, Ross and Rachel on Friends, and Meredith and McDreamy on Grey’s Anatomy. And we’re also used to the cycle of swiping, liking, and effing—and while it can be fun and spontaneous, it can also sometimes make you feel as if there’s a pile of dust where your heart used to be. So when you find a real bond with someone, it can be hard to let go.

Halpern-Meekin says many couples who reunited were more likely to feel they’d ‘revealed their deepest self’ to each other. Ayushi, 26, spent two and half years breaking up then reuniting with her ex-boyfriend because “both of us have issues with our parents and we understood each other in a way that other people didn't." They split up because he wasn't quite ready to be exclusive, "but he'd always come back as we had that emotional connection." And they also regularly fell back into ex-sex. 

A really strong connection with a romantic partner can be hard to shake because, to a certain extent, it’s rooted in our brain chemistry. In a recent study, Jim Pfaus, a professor of psychology at Concordia University in Canada, mated female rats with male rats he’d applied a special scent to. Later, when he mixed the lady rats with familiar-scented males and new unscented rats, 80 to 100 percent (in different trials) chose the previous partners over new ones.

Pfaus says it’s because when you’re in that “beautiful post-orgasmic state with someone, your brain releases opioids and oxytocin” (chemicals linked to love and happiness). This creates attachment—which other research has linked to addiction—to the person you’ve already been with. And defaulting to the pleasure you already know can feel more natural and less scary than starting fresh.

After breaking up with an older boyfriend, 25-year-old Sanam says she continued sleeping with him because it was ‘convenient’—easier than starting over with a newbie and more appealing than being alone. “I’m naturally more comfortable with people I’ve slept with. And I didn’t want to raise my ‘number’,” she says. “I’m no Virgin Mary, but I’ve always felt like, given the choice, I should try and stay in the same pool rather than sleep with a complete stranger.”

Further research from Oakland University in Michigan shows casual sex isn’t so casual after all. Among people having casual sex, only 13 percent of men and 10 percent of women had it with a person they’d just met, compared to 65 percent who get it on with an ex.

IT'S OVER — OR IS IT? 

After several years of being on-again-off-again with Dev, Aashna eventually grew fed up and emotionally exhausted of the yo-yo dating style. But, when she did recently resolve to end things with him, she says, “It was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. I would imagine it’s like quitting crack.” It’s no wonder that researchers describe the on-off phenomenon as ‘relationship churning’. Breaking up—then creating a brand new Tinder profile and throwing yourself into a restorative cardio-barre regimen only to wake up next to your ex can be very frustrating and depressing, like you’re blocking yourself from moving forward.

And, while Helpern-Meekin’s research found many rekindling couples had very strong emotional bonds, they also had higher levels of conflict and lower levels of commitment. Research also shows a higher likelihood of verbal abuse and physical violence in churning couples. 

Albert Einstein famously defined insanity as “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”, and clinical psychologist Monica O’Neal agrees. “I endorse a relationship sequel, but definitely not a trilogy and beyond,” she says. An acknowledgement of why things didn’t work out the first time, and a vow to do it better, is a good sign, she says. But “if you re-experience the same disappointment and hurt, it’s a sign this person is not an ideal partner.”

Although Sanam’s boomerang relationship definitely has its downsides, she doesn’t regret it. “It made me realise I didn’t want to be in an in-between relationship anymore,” she says. “I wanted great sex but also someone who loved and supported me.” When she found both of those things with a great new guy (who now happens to be her boyfriend), it was the wake-up call she needed. So she said goodbye—for good—to her ex.

Not all breakups and make-ups end in disaster, though—sometimes it’s just a case of both members of the couple getting on the same page at the same time. “Sometimes, a little bit of space and time can heal the wounds and spark introspection,” explain O’Neal. Sunaina, 27, says during a recent break from her boyfriend for a year (he needed ‘space’), they both realised how much they wanted to be together. “I gave him a trial period and he proved he really cared about me,” she said, including supporting her during her mum’s battle with cancer. They’re now planning on moving in together soon.

“When we broke up, I told him I wanted a guy who was sure of himself,” Sunaina adds. “And when he came back into my life, he was ready to be that person.”