How to Dump Someone (Without Being an *sshole)

1. Don’t just wade in there
First, ask yourself, ‘Do I want this to end or do I just want change?’ advises Relationship Therapist and Founder of the
7 Steps to a Better Break-Up app, Sara Davison. “If you’ve been together more than a few months, maintaining this relationship has taken hard work—so you owe it to yourself to give leaving it some decent thought. With clients who decide they want to end things, I talk them through my ‘no regrets’ system before they separate, which involves putting everything on the table—any issues or dislikes. Try it yourself—write down your bugbears and talk them through with him. Only then can you decide whether it really is the decision.” And while it might be tempting, don’t try to make him dump you so you don’t have to do it—things won’t be friendly post-split. 

2. Make Sure He Hears It From You First  
Chances are, others have sussed out your intentions (maybe your colleague caught you grimacing at his latest text). But resist the urge to speak to too many people about it before you talk to him—he doesn’t need to hear it from your friend’s boyfriend. “If you do tell anyone, make it clear this is private information,” says Sara. “And once you do speak to him, reassure him you’ve kept it on the DL (he may be paranoid everybody knew about it but him).”

3. Pick Your Time Carefully
So you’ve made your mind up, but it might come as a major shock to him, so leave plenty of time to discuss it. “Even if it ends up being a quick talk, he’ll still be left reeling, so don’t tell him before an important meeting or a night out,” says Sara. “Ideally, do it at his place, so you can leave afterwards.” How you tackle it depends on your relationship—a match.com study showed people who meet online tend to breakup online too. “Generally, a good rule is to ask yourself. ‘How would I want this to end?’” says Sara. “If you don’t feel committed, a heartfelt e-mail is okay. But if you’d be gutted if he dumped you that way, don’t do it to him!” Time to delete that draft in your mailbox and drive to his place.

4. Be Honest
Avoid the temptation to use clichés. “By telling him you’re ‘not in the place for a relationship’ (when actually, you’re not attracted to him), you’re confusing the situation,” says Sara. For him to move on, you need to help him realise why you’re not right for each other—and that requires total honesty, “but there’s a line—being too brutal (‘The sex is really bad’, or ‘There’s someone else’) will only lead to more heartbreak. Strike the right balance and don’t give him false hope if you know there isn’t any.” If he’s angry, try to understand, and remember that even if he seems okay now, he might not be tomorrow. And if he rebounds sooner than you’d like, don’t rise to it.

5. Set Boundaries
You need to tell him what will happen next, and be clear and firm about where you stand. So have a game plan in place—will you come over next week to pick up your stuff? Staying in touch over the next few weeks/months will be hard, so sort it out now. If you’re going to tell the world (say, by changing your status on Facebook), warn him first. Also, avoid mixed messages; don’t say one thing and do another. Research shows men have a harder time adjusting to breakups because they’re unprepared (whereas women will generally have considered the possibility). It’ll only make it more gut-wrenching if you call him when you’re drunk, or use your pet name for him in an e-mail. Above all, do not have sex with him. It will only prolong the breakup pain. Okay?

6. Manage the Post-Breakup Fall Out
If you have to talk, stick to neutral media such as e-mail rather than text—that way, there’ll be less pressure on you to reply at 1am when he’s drunk. Decide who you want to remain friends with in your social circle, and if it’s not likely you’ll stay friends with his friends, consider a Facebook cull. “If you worry you’ll end up poring over photos he’s tagged in, think about blocking him—but give him the heads-up first,” says Sara. Finally, however bad it got, don’t underestimate what a huge part of your life he was. “Fill that void by setting new goals as soon as you can,” advises Sara. And ditch that brunch place you always went to—find a new one!