Here's Why You Need to Have the (Mini) Talk With Your Bae

You meet up, and you keep on hooking up, until one day, after months of in-depth text deciphering and friend consults, you have the big ‘Define the Relationship Talk’. Then you’ve passed. Go—you have a Boyfriend.

That may be how relationships usually go, but lately, more women are forgoing one DTR talk and instead having several mini-talks about their relationship status on the way to coupledom. “I’ve had mini-talks going into my last six relationships,” says Sanya, 27. “I don’t rush to ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’. I have had smaller talks about whether we want to keep seeing each other, if we’re sleeping with anyone else, and if we should deactivate our online-dating accounts. Breaking it down into smaller steps means the final convo isn’t scary.” 

"Smaller steps make that final boyfriend/girlfriend convo less scary.”

“There’s this push among millennials to be a bit more casual about relationships. In my field research, I found people have all kinds of smaller talks with their partner, about whether they’re exclusive or what their label is,” confirms Ellen Lamont, an Assistant Professor of Sociology at Appalachian State University in the US, who studies gender norms in relationships. “These mini-talks allow people to negotiate some type of commitment without being official.” For a generation that craves novelty and validation (think of the buzzy high we get from Insta Likes and Tinder matches) and often side-eyes the notion of real commitment, there are compelling reasons to opt for the slow roll. “Having mini-talks can keep things ‘lower stakes’—it’s easier for you to get out if you want,” says Lamont. Millennials seem to prefer exploring their options when they start seeing each other—not because they only want to hook up but rather because they reject the idea of putting constraints on dating.” Women are often painted as pining for commitment. But in reality, plenty of women would never give up all their options right away. When you have zillions of guys at your very fingertips, it can seem nuts to jump into a DTR talk until you’re positive a dude is worth it. Counterintuitive as it may seem, casual dating is actually an indicator that you care a lot about the quality and stability of your relationships. When you are the slow-to-decide one stressing out over whether a fling has a future, mini-talks give you time to evaluate your feelings. It’s not about sitting around while he figures out his sh*t—it’s about having clarity on where the relationship is going for you. “Having any kind of conversation about your status, instead of simply waiting for what he’s thinking, is more empowering,” explains Lamont, adding that “there’s a narrative that men drive relationship progression, but in my research, it’s the women. They’re very proactive.” 

And if you’re dealing with a garden-variety commitment-phobe, the mini-talks help you to manage him. After all, if you ask a guy to be your BF and he gets scared and ghosts you, well, that’s that. But if you casually suggest deactivating both your OkCupid accounts or ask if he’s hooked up with anyone else, you can figure out a middle ground even when your answers don’t match up. “You probably don’t want to say, ‘I want you to be my boyfriend’ if he hasn’t even deleted Tinder. But by talking only about where he’s at with his Tinder, you better protect yourself.

Checking in with a guy about where you stand is also...kind of sexy. It’s nice to have little conversations that confirm your feelings. Rashi, 28, credits mini-talks with giving her current relationship such a great foundation. Unlike her previous BF, who asked to get serious after one date, she loved how this relationship built gradually. “All the mini-talks made it much easier to dive in once we were ready.”