The Fake Chastity Belt

Recently, Sara Blakely, the inventor of our dear friend Spanx, was on the Forbes list of billionaires. So many of us rely on the body shapers to contain a muffin top or slim our thighs. But they also have a secondary use; they keep you from having sex with a guy you like.

“When I’m into someone, I don’t want to ruin things by having sex with him too soon,” says Rhea*, 27. “The problem is, I usually want to have sex with him so badly that I don’t trust myself not to go too far with him when we are making out.” So she squeezes herself into her grossest pair of Spanx.

Other women rely on things like prickly legs, a grown-out bikini line, or a good old-fashioned pair of granny panties. No matter what your poison, they are all things we like to call fake chastity belts: preventive measures taken to ensure that no matter how big the temptation, you don’t have sex. The problem is that the Spanx method might not be too reliable, as it ups your desirability and makes you feel sexier. When a fake chastity belt fails you, it’s the ultimate FML moment: you’re in bed with the guy you really like, you’re hairy and your Spanx is giving you back cleavage. So here’s what to do: go to the bathroom. Take off Spanx and/or granny panties. Hopefully, your purse is big enough to cram your undergarments into it. If not, you need to find a hiding place. Underneath the bath mat is a good one. And if you can’t stash the evidence? “If you’re wearing ratty underwear, the key is to play it off with humour,” says Jenn Rogien, costume designer in Brooklyn. “Try to remember that you’ve been blessed with two very distracting assets.” A guy won’t notice your full-coverage briefs when you’re working some awesome cleavage. So there you have it—the next time a fake chastity belt fails you, laugh, distract, and explain that normally you don’t sport enough hair to make a merkin out of it.