Why your skin breaks out every time your ex pops up on your feed

Yes, breakups are painful. The constant ‘why hasn’t he called’ and ‘I will never love again’ spiral is beyond inconvenient, not to mention the Phoebe Bridgers and Olivia Rodrigo tracks on loop. And then somehow, the bird that just missed your windshield mid-drive triggers another spiral 'Did I dodge a bullet or lose the love of my life?' And yet, that’s not even the worst part. It’s the acne that comes with the heartache. 

No, not the metaphorical scars your ex left on your heart. We’re talking about the actual red, painful breakouts that have taken up permanent residence on your face since the breakup. Honestly, they should be paying rent at this point.

You followed the honourable code of conduct established by the Council of Girlies: you blocked him, your friends blocked him, anyone you know who is close to him—you’ve unfollowed them. You’ve done the ultimate cleanse. Then, just as you're standing in line for your first iced vanilla latte of the day—feeling somewhat stable—you casually check Instagram. Fate, of course, has other plans. A group photo pops up, posted by some mutual you barely remember. And there he is. In the corner. Arm wrapped around the girl he swore was just a friend. 

And at the crack of dawn the next day, you wake up to the painful reminder of his existence etched onto your face in the form of an angry red pimple. Will science, care to explain this?

Say hello to the newest discipline introduced in the Council of Ladies: Girl Science, a cutting-edge discovery by women conducting research via FaceTime at 2 am. Preliminary findings include: 

• 96 per cent cortisol spike within 12 hours of seeing your ex.
• 94 per cent likelihood of ‘should I stalk him from my finsta?’ 
• 99 per cent chance of muscle spasm to involuntarily grab your phone to call him.
• 100 per cent likelihood of extreme regret and a 100 per cent likelihood of needing therapy.

So no, it’s not just in your head. Your face is lowkey evidence. 

First of all, cortisol means stressed, and you’re as stressed as anyone can be. Throw in an emotionally destructive ex, overthinking, and three finstas, and you’ve got yourself a hot mess. How do we manage that? Here’s your one-stop guide to managing ex-induced cortisol breakouts.

A cleanser with the emotional integrity of a stuffed animal

Your skin has seen too much stress—calm her down with a cooling and gentle cleanser that will embrace your skin like you embrace your childhood toy. Cleansers like Cetaphil, Dot and Key, Himalaya Neem, and CeraVe are ideal. 

Stress sucks out the hydration you so carefully gulped down. Cut out the caffeine and alcohol for a minute and drink three litres of water a day, accompanied by a hydrating moisturiser with barrier repair. Dot and Key’s ceramide barrier repair moisturiser is gentle and does a good job. 

Patched it up

Once your face angrily looks at you in the mirror with those painful red bumps, opt for a spot corrector gel with salicylic acid or a pimple patch. Leave those on for no more than 12 hours at a stretch and replace them until those bumps are a distant memory.

Continue this process for a few days, and your skin will be blemish-free, just like you after you ended it with your ex! 

Besides, the real glow-up is you recognising what’s good for you, and letting go of what’s not. Here’s your daily reminder that there is no man on Earth worth crying over. So if you need something cry over, cry about how hot you are. Okay?

Lead Image: Netflix

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