Despite ‘intimacy’ being a word many of us throw around when talking about relationships, there are a surprising amount of misconceptions about what intimacy actually means. In romantic relationships, it’s important to maintain both a physical and emotional closeness — or sexual and emotional intimacy. But this can be a challenge for some people, especially with different attachment styles and differing attitudes to what makes a healthy relationship. It’s also something that can fluctuate over time, and can take work to rediscover. To differentiate between the two types of intimacy and give us some answers on how to connect or reconnect with your partner, we asked Lohani Noor, psychosexual therapist and author of 12 Steps to Sexual Connection, for the lowdown. What is intimacy? “When people say intimacy, they normally think about sex,” Noor explains. “Of course, sex is part of intimacy, but it’s only a part — it’s not all of it. Unfortunately, people often make sex the main focus of their relationship and of their relational intimacy, so they miss out on a lot of stuff; and actually it’s all the other stuff that informs and feeds your capacity to have relational or sexual intimacy.” In short: intimacy is formed out of lots of things. A lot of intimacy, especially sexually, is about vulnerability and trust. It’s also about feeling connected to your partner. This can be through touch, but it can also be through verbal communication, opening up, finding out what your partner likes, thinking about their needs, and communicating your own. Sexual intimacy is about reaching a place where you feel comfortable, confident, and valued by each other sexually, and that means more than just rubbing up against each other. Why is intimacy important? “Because we’re human and we are organisms, we need intimacy,” says Noor. “You can look through history books and see that isolating people was a form of torture and very quickly they go mad. The human organism needs skin-to-skin contact, and it needs emotional contact to survive.” Although intimacy isn’t just about sex, many of us need intimacy to feel truly fulfilled in our romantic and, yes, sexual relationships. It’s kind of a chicken and egg situation because if we feel comfortable, understood, and like we can be ourselves — AKA have built a sense of intimacy with our partner — we’ll have a better time during sex. Of course, we can just have sex on its own without intimacy. Some people actively try to separate the physical act from any kind of real connection with another person. But Noor says true sexual intimacy is something entirely different to simply *having sex*. How is it different from sex? So, we know that the act of sex itself isn’t the be-all-and-end-all of intimacy, and that true intimacy is deeper than just two sweaty bodies. But what about touching, kissing, and stroking? Does this count as sexual intimacy? “I prefer to call it sensation play because it shifts the emphasis massively,” Noor explains. “I’ve pinched that word from the BDSM community, because it’s all about creating sensations and emotional experiences. And the more you trust your partner, the more you give into that, the better or deeper the experience.” “So when I work with [straight] couples, I try and hold those ideas in my thinking and invite the clients to think about what they want to experience, as opposed to [how often they’re having] penetrative sex. Sex can be important, but it’s not the only thing.” Common intimacy issues Noor says that because we’re not usually shown how to be honest about our feelings when we’re children, many of us don’t know how to manage our emotions. “Unfortunately, as a society, we’re not really good at teaching our children about feelings that you can’t see or don’t manifest on the physical level,” she explains. “Like emotional pain, sadness, loss, grief, anger, rage, or even sexual feelings. Often children grow up into adults with no frame of reference for that stuff, so when they do have a strong feeling, it can feel like they’re out of control.” This can create issues with intimacy when we’re older. The feeling of being out of control can be scary; in relationships, we might struggle with the strong emotions we experience when we get close to another person and may even avoid engaging with those feelings. This avoidance can harm us in our relationships and interfere with our ability to be truly intimate with others. We can also fear that we’ll be judged or shamed for expressing ourselves, asking for what we need, or being vulnerable. Fear of intimacy The fear of being shamed, attacked, and humiliated can create a deep fear of intimacy, Noor explains. “Sometimes years into the relationship, we still tend to be feeling our way forward. And we’re still thinking: ‘Will I be accepted or rejected? How do I get my needs met in a way that’s okay and safe?’ And we might decide that the way to do it is in a hostile, aggressive way because that makes us less vulnerable. But actually, all it does is it stop us from getting what we really want.” Sexual shame also has a part to play in this fear process. If we don’t feel confident about our sexual needs and our desire for physical intimacy, we may feel ashamed and internalise those feelings, which creates a negative association with sexual intimacy. We might get into patterns where we convince ourselves we enjoy sex but not kissing, cuddling, and aftercare. We might feel unable to ask for these things or insist that our partners don’t deserve them either. We might also get into patterns of behaviour where we have sex with people but don’t treat them with respect or kindness, or we might not expect these things from our sexual partners for ourselves. Signs you’re avoiding intimacy People can avoid intimacy in their sexual dynamic by employing all sorts of avoidance methods, Noor says. “They’ll turn the lights out, never look at each other’s bodies, never speak about sex, or never be curious. It’s amazing how many people can stay in intimate relationships year in, year out and not really ever intimately engage sexually.” She continues: “They cover up the intimacy or avoid it by having all sorts of strategies, like not communicating what they like what they don’t like in sex or not guiding their partner. If you want to avoid intimacy with someone, a really good way to do it is to have fast or performative sex. From the outside, it could look really intimate, but the people aren’t really in it together.” How to improve your sexual intimacy It’s important to experience mutual pleasure from sex, but that pleasure isn’t just physical — our brains do a lot of the work during sex, and feeling close to the person you’re being intimate with is part of the pleasure process. “Things like connection, communication, trust, managing autonomy, interdependence, and codependence — as opposed to codependency — self-knowledge, self-discovery, and taking your time are the basis for good intimacy,” says Noor. “If you nurture all those things, they will support and enhance your capacity to really be with one another and shape your dynamic.” Commit to the moment One of the basic things you need in order to be able to achieve intimacy is commitment — and not necessarily the kind that takes a situationship to a relationship. “It’s about being committed to being available in the moment,” says Noor. You also need to be committed to speaking your truth and to being honest about what’s going on for you and what you’re feeling. If you commit to being fully present and available, you can ask your partner to do the same. Communicate verbally We can often conflate talking with communicating, but it’s actually more important to talk less and communicate more. “Learning to communicate, not only authentically but learning to say what’s going on for you without making it about the other person is the key. So, learn to speak in a way that both maintains your integrity and sense of self, but also the integrity of the person you’re speaking to.” Think about the words you’re using and avoid just saying what you think the other person wants to hear. Real communication is about honesty and also about listening. Recognise non-verbal communication Communication happens in so many different ways, and it’s not just verbal. “It’s whether you face someone head on, whether or not your body is tense, or recognising what you are communicating simply in the pace and pitch of the sounds you’re making,” Noor explains. “Non-verbal communication is absolutely key, as is understanding the way you communicate and the way your partner needs you to communicate. Negotiating a balance between the two is essential.” Check in regularly Make sure you check in with your partner on a regular basis and notice the ways in which you’re changing in the moment and how your lives are changing in the long-term, and account for that. “If you want more sex, or if you want less sex and more touch, say you want that,” concludes Noor. “But give yourself permission to evolve and trust one another that if you need it to change, that doesn’t mean the relationship is coming to an end.” Your sexual relationship and what your level of intimacy looks like will fluctuate over time, so be aware of that and make an effort to work on it together, whatever the style of your relationship and no matter how long you’ve been together.
