There are crushes, and then there are crushes. The kind where you’ve analysed every text, replayed every interaction, stalked their Instagram back to their prom photos, and maybe, just maybe, already imagined what your lives would look like together. So when you realise it’s not going to happen, being told they were ‘just a crush’ isn’t exactly helpful. You know you weren’t married. Your brain, unfortunately, did not get the memo. In fact, getting over a crush can be uniquely difficult precisely because you didn’t have a full-blown relationship. “An unreciprocated crush can be particularly hard to overcome because you have an idealised picture in your mind of that person,” says Logan Ury, director of relationship science at Hinge and author of How to Not Die Alone. “You don’t know what it’s like to date them; you just have a constant loop in your head of the love story that could have been.” Unlike a break-up, where you’ve presumably seen at least some of a person’s annoying habits, incompatibilities, and less-than-charming qualities firsthand, a crush leaves plenty of blank space for your imagination to fill in. As Ury puts it, you’re not picturing them “being rude when they’re tired or getting too drunk at dinner with your parents”. Instead, you may be mourning an idealised version of this person, and an entire hypothetical relationship that never had the chance to become real enough to disappoint you. None of that means you’re doomed to spend the rest of your life re-reading six-month-old texts and wondering what would’ve happened if you hadn’t used the cry-laughing emoji. Whether your feelings were unrequited, you got rejected, or you simply know pursuing this person isn’t a good idea, you can get over a crush. Here’s how to start actually moving on. How to get over a crush Ask yourself if it ever really would have worked When you have a crush, it’s very easy to focus on all the reasons you’d be perfect together and conveniently ignore the fact that you have absolutely no idea how this person behaves when they’re stressed, annoyed, running late, or forced to share a bathroom with another human. So give yourself a little reality check. Do you actually have the same values? Do you want the same things from a relationship? Would they get along with your friends? Are there things about them you’ve been overlooking because they’re hot and your brain has already written the fanfic?And maybe most importantly, ask yourself: do I actually like this person as they are, or do I like the idea of them, and the idea of them liking me? You don’t have to convince yourself your crush is secretly terrible in order to get over them. The goal is just to see the actual person instead of the extremely flattering version your imagination has been dating. Stop beating yourself up for having feelings Maybe you misread the signs. Maybe you got way more attached than you meant to. Maybe you planned an entire hypothetical future with someone you went on two dates with. Whatever happened, beating yourself up for caring isn’t going to make you care less. Rather than piling embarrassment or self-blame on top of an already sorry situation, relationship columnist Jen Kirsch says to give yourself some grace. Yes, you may have fallen for an idea of this person as much as the actual person, but that doesn’t make your feelings fake. Let yourself acknowledge that you got attached and that losing the possibility of something you really wanted can hurt, even if the relationship itself never actually existed. Make a list of what you actually liked about them This might sound counterintuitive when you’re actively trying to get someone out of your head, but hear us out. “List all the things that attracted you to your crush,” suggests therapist Andrea Dindinger. “This exercise helps you narrow down specific traits you’re looking for in a partner.” The point isn’t to create a beautifully organised inventory of everything you’re going to miss about them. It’s to figure out what this crush can tell you about what you want next. Maybe you loved how funny they were, how curious they were about the world, or how comfortable you felt talking to them. “If you don’t know what you’re looking for, you’re never going to find it,” says Dindinger. And while you’re making that list, go ahead and add ‘someone who is just as into me as I am into them’. Kind of an important one. Remind yourself those qualities aren’t unique to your crush Now, look back at that list and remind yourself that your crush does not have a monopoly on any of those qualities. The fact that they’re funny, thoughtful, ambitious, adventurous, or whatever else made your brain go all heart-eyes does not mean they’re the only person capable of being those things. In fact, start noticing those qualities in other people, including people you have zero romantic interest in. Maybe a friend has the same thoughtfulness you loved about your crush, or you notice a stranger being incredibly patient with their kid at the grocery store. You’re not looking for Crush 2.0. You’re trying to remind yourself that the things you loved about this particular person exist outside of them, too, and you can find them again in someone who actually wants to be with you. Try going no contact If every text, DM, or random ‘how have you been?’ sends you right back into analysing whether maybe this means something, it might be time to create some distance. Going no contact, or at least limiting contact, gives you space to actually process your feelings instead of getting a fresh hit of hope every time their name pops up on your phone. That doesn’t mean you need to dramatically announce that you’re never speaking to them again. Depending on your relationship, no contact might mean not texting them for a while, skipping the one-on-one hangs, or simply not finding excuses to keep a conversation going. And if you can’t completely avoid them because you work together, share friends, or otherwise exist in the same orbit, focus on cutting out the optional contact. You’re not punishing them or playing hard to get. You’re making it a little harder for your brain to keep turning every interaction into evidence that the door might still be open. Text someone else when you want to text them You know the urge: you’ve made it three whole days without texting them, and suddenly your brain produces a very convincing reason why you absolutely need to send them a TikTok right this second. When that happens, Dindinger suggests texting a trusted friend instead. Redirecting the impulse gives you somewhere else to put all that energy without reopening communication with your crush. Plus, if what you really want to send is a three-paragraph confession about how much you miss them, a friend can let you get those feelings out without the potential disappointment of getting left on read (... or receiving a response that sends you straight back to square one). When in doubt, phone a friend. Masturbate Look, sometimes getting over a crush means reminding yourself that they are not actually required for you to have a very good time. “Self-pleasure can be hugely powerful in restoring your body confidence and self-esteem,” says Holly Jackson, co-founder of women’s sexual wellness box SheSpot. “It can empower you to take control of your pleasure and get over heartbreak.”So consider this an excellent excuse to redirect some of that sexual energy back toward yourself. Break out a favourite toy, try a new masturbation technique, listen to audio erotica, or finally explore the fantasy you keep mentally bookmarking for later. Your crush may still pop into your head, sure, but your pleasure belongs to you. Mute, unfollow, or block them if you need to Going no contact doesn’t do you much good if you’re still watching their every Instagram Story and checking who liked their latest post. “Studies show that specific and unique areas of the brain become activated when viewing the face of someone you feel romantic love toward,” says psychotherapist Brooke Schwartz, adding that this response can be even stronger than simply thinking about the person. So, yes: mute them. Unfollow them. Block them if that’s what it takes. You don’t need to prove how chill and unaffected you are by keeping their face in your feed while privately analysing every photo they post. And while we’re here, resist the urge to start posting for them, too. If you’re uploading a thirst trap primarily because you hope they’ll see it, regret rejecting you, and immediately realise they’ve made the greatest mistake of their life, you’re still letting your crush dictate what you do online. Post the hot pic because you want to post the hot pic. Otherwise, close Instagram and protect your peace. Find a mantra that doesn’t make you want to roll your eyes If repeating ‘everything happens for a reason’ makes you want to throw your phone across the room, fair. The most useful self-talk after rejection doesn’t have to convince you that you’re thriving, healed, and totally over it when you very much are not. Sometimes it’s just about interrupting the part of your brain that keeps turning someone else’s lack of interest into evidence that there’s something wrong with you. So skip the affirmation-poster energy and find something you actually believe. Maybe it’s: ‘They rejected me, and it hurts. I may still crave this person’s attention and affection, but that isn’t a reflection of my worth.’ Or even: ‘I can want this person and still accept that they’re not right for me.’ Whatever you choose, the goal isn’t to manifest your way out of having feelings. It’s to give yourself something a little more helpful to come back to when your brain starts spiralling. Stop looking for information you don’t actually want You probably do not need to know who your crush is dating now. Or whether they brought someone to that party. Or what your mutual friend meant when they said they “seem really happy lately”. And yet, when you’re trying to get over someone, information you absolutely do not want has a funny way of becoming information you desperately need to know. Resist the urge to investigate. No asking mutual friends for updates, showing up somewhere you know they’ll be just to ‘see what happens’, or otherwise engineering ways to keep tabs on their life. “If you’re engaging in these activities, it’s probably taking a toll on your sense of self-worth,” says Kirsch. She suggests asking friends to put your crush on their ‘Do Not Mention’ list and making it clear that you do not want them feeding you updates, even if you inevitably get curious and ask. Future you, who did not need to know who they went home with Friday night, will be grateful. Remember that what they do next has nothing to do with you Maybe your crush starts dating someone else. Maybe they hook up with someone the weekend after rejecting you. Maybe they suddenly get into a serious relationship after telling you they “weren’t looking for anything right now”, which, yes, can feel particularly brutal. None of it changes what happened between the two of you. As tempting as it is to compare yourself to whoever comes next, their choices aren’t a referendum on your attractiveness, desirability, or worth. You don’t need to figure out what this other person has that you don’t or whether you could have done something differently to get the outcome you wanted. Your crush gets to make their choices, and you get to stop using those choices as evidence about yourself. Put your energy back into your own life There’s a difference between keeping yourself so busy you don’t have a spare second to think about your crush and actually putting your attention back into your own life. You’re allowed to be sad. You’re also allowed to remember that you had interests, friendships, routines, and entire days that had absolutely nothing to do with whether this person texted you back. So think about what may have fallen by the wayside while you were busy crushing. Make plans with the friend you’ve been neglecting. Get back into the hobby you mysteriously stopped having time for. Return to the routines that make you feel like yourself. Or try something new simply because you want to, not because it’ll make you seem more interesting on Instagram. Reinvesting in the parts of your life that belong entirely to you can help you rebuild some of the identity that may have gotten swallowed up by all that wanting and wondering. Talk to a therapist if you’re really struggling to move on There’s no official timeline for getting over a crush, and still thinking about someone weeks or months later doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong. But if your feelings are starting to interfere with your daily life, or you feel like you’re doing everything you can and still can’t get unstuck, talking to a therapist may help. A therapist can give you a judgment-free place to process the rejection, figure out why this particular person or possibility has been so difficult to let go of, and notice any patterns that might be worth exploring. You don’t need to diagnose yourself with an attachment issue or uncover some deep psychological explanation for why you caught feelings. Sometimes you just need help working through them and figuring out how to move forward. And remember: no matter how badly you wanted this particular person, you don’t actually want to be with someone you have to convince to want you back. You want someone who’s every bit as excited to be with you as you are to be with them. Your crush might not be that person, but that doesn’t mean that person isn’t still out there.
