Rethinking the pressure to choose the ‘right time’ for sex and why it’s okay to take your time

When it comes to sex, there’s often an invisible race that many feel pressured to run. Whether it’s the anxiety of being a “late bloomer” or the regret of starting too early, the question remains: Who decides the right time?

“People do feel immense pressure because they’ve never had sex or been in a romantic relationship, and this often stems from social comparison,” says Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist at H N Reliance Foundation Hospital. “They keep asking themselves what’s wrong with me.” She explains that the idea of hitting a certain milestone at a certain age often overrides emotional readiness, leading people to act before they’re internally prepared simply because of societal expectations.

“People do feel immense pressure because they’ve never had sex or been in a romantic relationship, and this often stems from social comparison,” says Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist at HN Reliance Foundation Hospital. “They keep asking themselves, ‘What’s wrong with me?’” She explains that the idea of hitting a certain milestone at a certain age often overrides emotional readiness, leading people to act before they’re internally prepared—simply because of societal expectations.

Emotional readiness over arbitrary timelines

Dordi notes that psychological readiness should take precedence over social timelines. “Pleasure and intimacy aren’t tied to age but to emotional safety, communication, and self-awareness,” she says, adding that many who start later may be more emotionally equipped to express their needs and enjoy intimacy.

For those who feel they’ve started “too late,” Dordi says it can lead to shame, anxiety, and low self-esteem, especially when sexual activity is tied to self-worth. On the other hand, those who start before they’re ready may experience guilt, regret, and confusion—particularly if the experience was unfulfilling or coerced. “Your ‘first time’ becomes the template for future encounters,” she warns, which can affect your ability to form healthy sexual bonds later.

To move past feelings of shame, Dordi recommends reframing the narrative. “Understand that your sexual journey doesn’t define your value. It’s a part of your life, not the overall encompassing thing.” She advises focusing on self-exploration rather than comparisons, reminding individuals that everyone’s journey is different and that there is no universal timeline for intimacy.

Why we need to step out of the race

Pallavi Barnwal, certified sex coach and founder of GetIntimacy.com sees this race for sexual milestones in her practice too. “People seem to be in a race when it comes to having sex. They get so tired of being in the race that they give up. Nobody wants to be in it,” she says.

Barnwal points out that readiness is relative and deeply personal. “There is no set point when a person is ready for sex. It differs from person to person,” she says, emphasising that sex comes with emotional and physical responsibilities that many overlook. She advises discussing beliefs and preferences with a partner beforehand to ensure mutual comfort.

Making space for emotional processing

Addressing the shame many feel, Barnwal states, “Life is about pain as much as it is about pleasure. We need to normalise that suffering.” Instead of pushing people to quickly “overcome” their discomfort, she suggests creating safe spaces for individuals to fully process their emotions.

Both experts agree that comparison is a major hurdle when it comes to sexual confidence and timing. “Our goal needs to be focused on what we’re getting out of it rather than ticking it off a list,” says Dordi, reminding people to reflect on whether the need to compare is coming from insecurity rather than genuine desire.

For those who feel anxious about being sexually inexperienced in their 30s or 40s, Dordi emphasises, “A person’s worth isn’t defined by their sexual history. It’s never too late to experience intimacy, pleasure, and connection.”

Barnwal adds that sexual exploration starts with oneself. “People should have sex with themselves. Focus on your body and how well you understand it,” she says, reminding individuals that even within marriage, sexual fulfilment requires self-awareness and independence.

Ultimately, Dordi leaves readers with a piece of advice worth remembering: “Move in a rhythm that is uniquely yours. There is no universal timeline. Sexuality definitely isn’t. It’s a journey of safety, discovery, and connection, and it can happen at any age.”

All images: Netflix

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