Women have long been having sex on the first date—so why do some of us still feel shamed?
Recent stats show that just 5 per cent of women see sex on a first date as positive or somewhat positive in terms of a relationship’s future.
“I was bored... and they had a cat.” This has to be one of the most valid (and relatable) reasons for having sex on a first date, and for Amy* (26, bisexual), it may have been the cat that brought her to her date’s house but the sex... the sex made her stay. “It was wild. So intense and great fun. I’m glad I went,” she explains. “The cat was adorable, too.”
Whether it’s pets, boredom, or fancying someone so much you can’t keep your hands off them, our motivations for having sex on a first date can vary widely. But when it comes to holding ourselves back, and not jumping into bed with our dates, there tends to be one common denominator: shame. It seems that stigma surrounding women’s sexuality still reigns supreme (sigh).
There are so many women, like Amy, who joyfully embrace the idea of sex on a first date, and yet, statistically, our views on the topic seem, well, a little behind. A 2020 study found that only 5% of women see sex on a first date as positive or somewhat positive in terms of a relationship’s future. Sadly, it seems many of us still can’t break away from out-of-date societal standards, which are often ingrained from a young age. Why does first date sex have such a bad rap? And does it really make a difference in how long a relationship lasts?
“There’s a lot of rhetoric, especially when you’re a woman dating men, that if you sleep with someone ‘too soon’ they won’t respect you or [will assume] that you’re not looking for something serious,” says Jane* (33, straight), who tells me that at high school she remembers there being “an unspoken rule that the girls with boyfriends would wait four months to sleep with them”.
The double standards here are clear, given that men are rarely chastised for the exact same choices. “I have never experienced a man being looked down upon for sleeping with someone early on, yet I have been called a slut on several occasions… just because an outsider has deemed it too soon,” Jane continues, adding that these hurtful comments have even come from friends.
Worse still, the origin of these thought patterns dates back to way before the sexual revolution. “Historically, cultural and religious norms painted women’s value as being tied to their ‘purity’ or ‘modesty’, while men were often encouraged to pursue sex more freely,” says sex therapist Dr Viviana Coles. “Even modern dating advice often reinforces this old thinking by suggesting that ‘holding out’ earns more respect.”
For this reason, let’s face facts: first date sex deserves its long-awaited rebrand — and one that’s actually based on modern experiences and views. Because, although we may still battle with the worry (and reality) of being ‘judged’, the general consensus among the women I spoke to for this piece was that there’s nothing wrong with first date sex, and that it shouldn’t be a big deal if you do — or don’t — choose to do it. In short: our bodies, our choice.
In fact, sex on a first date can actually present a pretty unique opportunity, acting as a litmus test in more ways than one. First off, some of us — myself included — believe that sex is a super important part of a relationship, and if we’re dating to find one, we want to suss out the intimacy side of things pretty early on. “Some people love to have sex early on, as they feel sexual compatibility is really important to them, and want to rule out anyone who they have very little connection with,” confirms dating coach Hayley Quinn. Chemistry can grow, sure, but discovering you have it early on is the biggest green flag for me — both in terms of pleasure and how your partner honours consent.
Pearl (34, hetero-flexible) tells me that this is the reason she’s had first date sex in “almost all relationships [she’s] had” and that she can’t imagine doing it differently. “I need to test drive the car first!”
But it’s also useful to see if you’re aligned on certain values. As someone who’s open and values empowerment, if I had sex with someone early on in a mutually-consensual experience and was later judged by them for doing so, it would be a terminal ick — and unsurprisingly, I’m not alone. “Honestly, if I slept with someone on the first date and it put them off me, they’re not the kind of person I’d want to be with anyway,” Jane agrees.
The opinion that having sex early on signals you’re not wanting a serious relationship is also profoundly wrong — and even factually incorrect, based on recent stats. A 2019 study found 58% of men and 56% of women had sex on the first night they met their long-term partners. With this logic, over half the time we’re having sex on the first date, it’s leading to a relationship — so why do we still look down on it so heavily? Wanting casual sex is, of course, totally valid, too (not all of us are dating for a relationship, obvs), but for those who are seeking a partner, early sex should change nothing.
Fleurine (28, bisexual) tells me she used to believe the aforementioned rhetoric, but her personal experience changed everything. “My strongest relationship came from sleeping together on the first day we met,” she says. “We felt like it, and it was great. He didn’t lose interest as a result; if anything, breaking the rules made everything stronger.”
Pearl* (34, straight) had a similar experience: “At 24, I had sex on a first date in a club toilet, and that turned into a five-year relationship, an engagement, and even a child!”
Recently, though, I’ve not been having sex on first dates. I have no issue whatsoever with it if it feels right (and zero judgement towards those who do), I now tend to wait a little longer until I’m comfortable and confident this could be a person I really like. Unfortunately, past bad (read: uncomfortable and even harmful) experiences are a part of this; something many of the women I spoke with also related to. However, I also love tension-building and that feeling of anticipation, and sex with someone I know a little better can feel more intimate for me personally.
Several women told me they do the same because they prioritise an emotional connection first. One (27, queer) said she worries having sex instantly can create a “false sense of intimacy” before really knowing someone. Another (35, straight) shares that she purposefully waits until dates five to seven because it prevents her from “going too crazy about a guy before we’ve had a chance to build that connection”. This highlights the key here: it’s also totally okay not to have sex on a first date, or if your experiences and choices are not always consistent.
No one should feel pressure either way, and as long as your actions are guided by how you feel about yourself, your body, and your opinions alone (without outside voices influencing you), they are the right ones for you. “Sex on a first date is a deeply personal decision, not a universal ‘right’ or ‘wrong’,” agrees sex therapist Coles.
“You just have to go into dating in 2025 sure about yourself and willing to trust your gut and your own decisions,” adds Jane. “I don’t think you can have a hard-and-fast rule; sometimes you just connect with someone, and that connection ends up being physical.” Just ensure that you always prioritise safety through consent and boundaries, a neutral space you’re comfortable with (remember to share your location), and contraception.
What resonated most with me through researching first date sex is how a lot of the judgement we may experience about going for it actually comes from our friends and peers, as well as being somewhat internalised. This is what needs to change most in order for the ‘rebrand’ that first date sex deserves to come to fruition. While it may not be for everyone or feel right for every first date, being intimate early on has its benefits and should ultimately always be a personal choice.
“Sex is just another thing that people do, and the reality is that sometimes you just want it,” concludes Amy. “And that’s the only reason you should be having sex, anyway — it doesn't matter if you’ve met two minutes ago, three hours ago, or have had five dates already.”
*Names have been changed
Credit: Cosmopolitan