A Technical Manual to Fixing Your Friendship

 

A few years ago, I told my childhood BFF (let’s call her Keya) not to come to my birthday party, and it blew up our friendship. She’d been hard on me about a guy I had a crush on, and I was fed up with her little digs. But two weeks after birthday-gate, I realised how much I missed her. She was my go-to gal for all adventures, and we would laugh at the stupidest sh*t together. I texted Keya to apologise, but she never responded. We didn’t speak for three years.

Sad, right? But—twist!—this story has a happy ending: we recently ran into each other at a mutual friend’s wedding, and after cautious hellos, we made small talk. A few wines later, we found each other on the dance floor and got down to Beyoncé. It took a few tearful hangs to really clear the air, but we did, bless up, and now we’re tighter than ever! Here’s my vetted plan of attack for your own do-over.”

Step 1 Ask: are they worth it?

Heads up, babe: Not all friendships should be saved. Was your bestie generally supportive of your ~hopes and dreams~? Or mostly self-absorbed? A solid rule of thumb is: if you really miss them—and they made you feel more good than bad about yourself—reach the eff out. Yes, even if they betrayed you in a big way (looking at you, Jordyn).

Step 2 Make the first move.

Send them a text like, ‘Hey, I’d love to talk. Do you have time to meet up?’. If they ghost you (Keya, WYD?), or say no, check in a week later. FWIW and for some perspective, Keya and I saw each other at group outings after our dance-floor reunion, but it took a year before we actually met up one-on-one to have *the talk* IRL.

 

Step 3 Be as mad as you want.

Start the convo by apologising for any wrongdoings of your own (no angels here), “but it’s equally important to express your hurt and concerns,” says Canada-based therapist Miriam Kirmayer. That may mean bringing up that, say, you didn’t like her spilling your secrets. If she’s worth it (Step 1, prove me right!), she’ll feel bad and want to move forward, too.

 

Step 4 Go slooow.

So, you’ve made nice and now you need to keep that friendship train on the tracks. Hit her with quick notes to let her know you’re thinking of her, like on a work-iversary or if she’s moving apartments, says Miriam. Then invite her to short, low-stakes plans. Think: manis, yoga, things you’d do on your own, anyway. Also, when in doubt, wine. So. Much. Wine.