It’s 2022, why are we still so shy about sex toys?

Photographer and influencer Roshini Kumar decodes the real reason we refuse to address self-pleasure.

By Team Cosmo
08 December, 2022
It’s 2022, why are we still so shy about sex toys?

The oldest-known dildo is 28,000 years old...sex toys are older than civilisation, religion, and the institution of marriage combined. Even now, the Japanese brand Hitachi will not acknowledge that their most-loved product—the Magic Wand—is really used for...well you guessed it.

Fast forward to today and a lot of us are still rigid about self-pleasure and sex toys. I think our ancestors would be a tad disappointed in us! When you go around trying to find a sex toy— most of them are available discreetly in the form of body and face massagers. Which is disappointing. We really have deprived ourselves of one of the biggest, healthy, and really easy-to-do joys of life. 

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Closer home, consider the Kama Sutra, which has a section titled Aupanishadika (occult practices) that mentions various kinds of apadravya (apparatus) used for sexual pleasure. The Kamasutra describes in great detail what the ‘sex aids’ or ‘dildos’ were made from, their shapes and sizes, and even mentions sex dolls. The truth is, sex was celebrated in ancient India. From depictions in literature to murals and paintings, and being represented as deities in temples... It is evident that desire and pleasure were never seen as taboos, but today, we can’t even get a bikini picture up on the ‘Gram without moral policing, trolling, and distasteful comments. 

So, how did we end up here? Colonisation led to the death of freedom in all its forms and means. Restrictions and regressions began and the ripple effect continues to be felt in 2022. The hold of patriarchy became stronger on women and anything to do with a woman’s pleasure was deemed sinful or dangerous. In fact, sex toys have their own stereotypical notions. We are only able to fit them in a certain ambit if they fall into the traditional gender roles. For example, in the movie 50 Shades of Grey, sex toys are used and openly made visible, yet it shows a man dominating a woman. No prizes for guessing, this still falls under the patriarchal teachings. There is rarely any form of media that openly talks about sexualities, self-pleasure or sex from the female gaze. And wrath hail if a woman ever took charge of her sexual agency. Think Swara’s [Bhasker] character in Veere Di Wedding, where she pleasured herself using a vibrator. It left her satisfied, but the aftermath involved incessant trolling and being labelled as a slut. Even for movies and shows like Lust Stories and Four More Shots Please!, each of them was brought under the scanner and the audience had a hard time accepting the ‘bold content’ (aka, women enjoying sex)

A woman’s sexual needs are so blatantly disregarded, that many find it hard to say words like vagina, vibrator, or orgasm in conversations. Their connotations are attached to shame and guilt, which are exactly the feelings many of us are made to feel towards our own bodies and sex, from early on. It’s tragic that our feeds are filled with stories of horror—women being violated, sexually harassed, raped, or killed. We are completely fine talking about women’s sexuality when they are the victims of sexual predation because it fits into the idea that women are passive and men are active; again a deeply ingrained belief of patriarchy. But if a woman or any other minority discovers their sexuality or takes charge of their sexual agency, they would be looked down upon.

This conditioning has left us with what is now a regressive, unequal and deeply unhealthy society. The gap is so wide that it is ironical how poor we are in our approach towards the female body, vibrators, and sex. I firmly believe that sex positivity will benefit our society greatly. Curbing sexual pleasure leads to far more dangerous acts, which will only rise if we don’t break this cycle. It’s our turn to leave outdated belief systems and build a safe environment to openly talk about sexuality, pleasure, and vibrators.

It’s the only way, and we certainly need some joy in this drab world, don’t we? I make it a point to educate myself, my family, and my peers about sex and desire. My once ‘traditional’ Indian mom, who scolded me for having a boyfriend because she thought I was having sex is now (drum rolls: proudly) using her first sex toy, gifted by me. Everyone has the absolute right to enjoy their body, explore their sexualities, and give and receive pleasure. Now in the famous words of drag queen extraordinaire, RuPaul Charles, “If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love anybody else?” If you know what I mean. Can I get an amen?
 

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