Signs of emotionally abusive parents and how it affects the child

The role parents play in the upbringing of a child is often underestimated. The onus of a child's development—physically, mentally, and emotional—is on the parents. They become the eyes through which the child sees the world and themselves. Thus, it is important for parents to ensure their child is nurtured to the best of their abilities. But often, knowingly or unknowingly they display certain traits and behaviours that don't bode well for the child's growth. One such instance is when they emotionally abuse the child. While it doesn’t leave any marks or bruises, it can be as devastating as physical and sexual abuse. And because it is not visible to the eye, it becomes extremely difficult to recognise and rectify it. 

Emotionally abusive parents can deter the child’s overall well-being and development. These are some of the signs to look out for to identify emotionally abusive parenting. 

Constant criticism, comparison, complaining, and insults: Emotionally abusive parents can often belittle or demean their children by using derogatory language or undermining their self-work. They might criticise the child’s appearance, ability, and intelligence, and create an environment of emotional distress. The kid will thus, never find the confidence to do better. At the end of the day, mistakes are our best teachers. If parents do not allow their children to make them, and constantly criticise them, they will stop making efforts. 

Even if it’s a joke or a big deal, comparing the kid to someone else is unyielding. Parents shouldn’t put their child down and make them question their worth, as when the child grows up, they will have self-esteem issues or will strive to become perfectionists and try too hard. They have social anxiety about how they look and perform. It’s best to let kids thrive in their own way. 

Manipulation and control: Sometimes, emotionally abusive parents can exert a lot of control over the thoughts, emotions, and actions of the child, and to maintain their dominance, they may guilt-trip, gaslight, or emotionally blackmail their child. 

Emotional neglect: The child is completely ignored or their needs for affection, comfort, and understanding are not met. This leads to feelings of isolation and low self-esteem in the child, which eventually leads to children having difficulties with forming relationships over the course of their life. 

Excessive demands or unrealistic expectations: Parents don’t see children as individuals but as an extension of their own selves. So, they often put their own demands and seek perfection in their kids, without considering that the child may not be able to or want to do it. 

Intermittent reinforcement: Emotionally abusive parents alternate between displaying affection and hostility. This creates a sense of confusion and emotionally instability in the kid’s mind. The child is, thus, always walking on eggshells as they don’t know how their parents will react. These children often develop adult chronic anxiety.  

Total isolation: The parent cuts off the child from normal social interaction; i.e. prevent the child from participating in social activities like school functions, family gatherings, and stepping out. 

Parentification: No, it’s not a word, but it essentially means parent force the child to grow up and take responsibility that they’re not ready for. The child is then criticised for their age-appropriate behaviour if they don’t meet these expectations. For example, a six-year-old is expected to be mature enough to handle adult relationships. Parents shouldn’t ‘push’ their kids to do something that isn’t age-appropriate. 

Silent treatment: If parents cut off communication and affection when the child does something wrong, it can have severe repercussions when the child grows up as they are in an emotional limbo.

Over-involved parents: On the other side of the spectrum, parents are interested in and involved in everything the kid does. They don’t allow the kid any space for individuality. It’s a sign of abuse if the parent doesn’t give their child enough privacy, goes through their phone, asks inappropriate questions, or so on.

Inputs by Sherene Aftab, founder of Serene Hour Counselling & Career Advice Consultancy and Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist, Sir H N Reliance Foundation Hospital, Mumbai