The unspoken desi gaydar checklist every queer person in India knows too well

If you grew up in an Indian household, chances are your family has a highly advanced—yet completely unscientific—gaydar. One that functions without ever actually saying the word “gay.” And no, this isn’t us throwing shade—just a playful look at how our well-meaning (and often hilariously clueless) relatives try to decode queerness through a secret checklist of unspoken, culturally-loaded clues.

Welcome to the desi gaydar checklist—a light, tongue-in-cheek guide to how your aunties and uncles are silently diagnosing your sexuality based on vibes, playlists, and your outfit choices.

The early warning signs: A childhood coded in pink and blue (or lack thereof)

It often starts young. Did you, as a child, show an alarming preference for a doll over a cricket bat? Or perhaps you preferred drawing intricate patterns over wrestling with your cousins? “Oh, look how sensitive he is,” they’d coo, a slight furrow in their brow. For girls, it might be the opposite—climbing trees, refusing to wear frocks, or showing an inexplicable aversion to kitchen activities. These aren’t just childhood preferences; they’re the first tick marks on a mental diagnostic sheet.

In a world where pop culture doubles as personality, your Spotify playlist, Netflix queue, and wardrobe become tools for low-key identity interrogation. If your Spotify Wrapped is filled with Beyoncé, Britney, and Gaga, it’s more than just good taste—to society aunties, it’s a great big rainbow sign. Your devotion to a woman who once wore a meat dress leaves them completely baffled.

Fashion, too, becomes suspect. Take too long to pick an outfit? Know the difference between a loafer and a brogue? Suddenly, you’re “too particular”—a comment often laced with a gendered dig. For girls, it’s the reverse. Short hair, no saris, or a preference for cargo pants is enough to set off alarms and trigger the usual: “She never dresses like a proper girl only.”

Even your favourite sitcom isn’t safe. Whether it's Modern Family or Schitt’s Creek, someone will eventually squint at the screen and whisper, “Isn’t that the show with those two men?” 

And in academic households, having a same-sex “study buddy” who practically lives at your place is no longer just about passing your exams. Congratulations, you're now starring in your family’s favourite soap opera: Are they really just friends?

This is the big one. The gold standard of suspicion in India. If you’ve crossed 25 without a fiancé, you’re practically outing yourself by default. Every family function turns into a pop quiz: “So, when are you getting married? All your cousins are married and settled down!”

The subtext isn’t subtle. They’re not asking if you’ll get married—they’re wondering what’s stopping you. And the older you get, the more frantic the biodatas become: blurry pictures, bizarre hobbies, and job titles that sound fake but are somehow real.

Politely decline a few, and suddenly you’re “too picky”—which, in auntie-speak, often translates to “possibly gay.” It’s not pickiness—it’s basic compatibility. But rejecting a guy who calls himself a finance ninja is, in their minds, enough to raise the queer flag.

The beauty (or horror) of the desi gaydar is that the diagnosis is rarely, if ever, verbalised. It's conveyed through a series of knowing glances, hushed conversations in the kitchen, unsolicited advice about "settling down," and an inexplicable urge to introduce you to every available eligible person of the opposite sex within a 500-mile radius. They’ll never say, "Are you gay?" but they'll make sure you feel the weight of their unspoken assumptions.

It's a funny, relatable, and sometimes frustrating dance we do with our Indian families. While their "gaydar" may be hilariously inaccurate, it's a testament to the cultural silence around queer identities in many Indian households. So, the next time your auntie raises an eyebrow at your perfectly curated outfit or your uncle questions your devotion to Taylor Swift, just smile. They’re not asking; they’re just running their very own, very secret, desi gaydar checklist. And bless their hearts, they're probably getting it all wrong.

Lead image: Netflix 

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