We know your emotional damage based on your Starbucks order

No, I don’t drink matcha. Yes, I’ve tried it. No, I don’t like it. And yes, it tastes like grass. But this isn’t about that. Choosing iced or hot drinks doesn’t just come down to ‘preferences’ and ‘convenience’—it comes from a very specific part of your soul that clings to consistency and stability, especially when staying awake is on the line.

Similarly, if your iced vanilla latte is the only thing keeping you from texting that ex-situationship from 2022, this is your sign to understand why. Have you ever wondered what makes an iced vanilla latte your drink of choice? Not just because it’s simple and tastes nice—but maybe because it aligns with your ‘I’m in my healing era’ vibe with a side of ‘my revenge list is growing.’ Sweet, velvety, with a dagger hidden underneath. We’re breaking down what your Starbucks order says about you (with a sprinkle of psychoanalysis and emotional damage).

Cold brew - The never-ending CV with a Chandler Bing complex

Your LinkedIn is giving TEDx, your ambition is giving girlboss-in-5-years, and your denial is stronger than the whiskey Harvey Specter downs like water. You probably have a secret Pinterest board for your dream wedding (created during a caffeine withdrawal phase). But that won’t stop you from Usain Bolt-ing the second someone actually likes you back. Therapy. Therapy NOW.

Emotional Damage Level 2 of 3: You are one failed situationship away from becoming full-on toxic, and will zone out during discussions of feelings.

Iced vanilla latte - The healed queen with a list of names

Sure, you say you’ve ‘moved on’ from the first man you ever loved (the one who cheated, obviously), but your Spotify begs to differ. Better Man, my tears ricochet, and Last Kiss on repeat? Babe, no one listens to this holy trinity without nuclear-level heartbreak. You’re in your ‘therapy but still unhinged’ era—opening up to your therapist, but still fantasising about running into your ex post-glow-up so intense he’d need an asthma pump to recover.

Emotional Damage Level 1.5: You’re entering your Priyanka Chopra World-Domination arc, but are in desperate need of bi-weekly therapy. 

Matcha latte - Soft baddie with trauma buried deeper than hell

You bought yourself flowers last weekend, sipping matcha while a song at a nearby café gave you whiplash flashbacks of your emotionally avoidant ex. You’ve mastered romanticising your life—journaling twice as much as your therapist prescribed—while running two finstas dedicated to stalking said ex. Your friends think you’re great at processing pain, mostly because they haven’t seen you crying on the floor, wine in hand, staring at his feed with the girl he swore he was “over” before you. Babe, you need to get messy before you can actually heal.

Emotional Damage Level 2.5: You are great at coming across as healed, but you’re really just a poor-timed run-in with your ex away from an emotional explosion. 

Java chip frappuccino - The delulu empress with a main character complex

If Belly Conklin is the queen of delulu with main character syndrome, you said, “Hold my coffee,” and outdid her. You can’t tolerate ambiguity, least of all confrontation. You live like you’re in a Jenny Han adaptation, but that guy who looks like Conrad in dim lighting? He’s really just a worse version of Jeremiah, and his red flags are as invisible to you as Conrad’s undying love for Belly is to, well…Belly. You keep chasing people and experiences but rarely stop to feel. It’s okay to pause, Queen.

Emotional Damage Level 3: We need a therapist, the Council of Girlies, and lavender-scented candles to ward off the insanity. 

Americano - The emotional assassin with trust issues

Let’s be honest—you don’t actually like the taste of black coffee. You drink it for two reasons: one, because you know sweet coffees are lies, and you don’t have space for lies after your last situationship; and two, because it’s a bitter reminder of the defeat you felt when you let the wrong person in. You convince the world you’re fine, but your therapist knows you’re lying when you say you’re “totally okay” after a friend ghosted you or your ex moved on at lightning speed.

Emotional Damage Level 3.5: Girl, you’ve become an emotionally-avoidant gremlin in desperate need of a hug, a girl's night, and any film with Matthew McConaughey. 

Always remember ladies, no man is worth crying over, no friendship is worth losing your peace over, and you do deserve your hot girl moment—with your devoted Starbucks order in hand (even if it makes your bank account wheeze like a Victorian lady with consumption).

Lead image credit: Unsplash, Pexels 

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