What is the right approach to dating—self-preservation or emotional openness?

You’re not alone if you’re often worried about being “in too deep” emotionally in your relationship or are confused about when to take a step back. There is an on-going debate about whether self-preservation or emotional openness is the right for your dating life. Being an extremely emotionally open person, I have learnt and unlearned a lot of things, one boy at a time. Honestly, I would say, a relationship is a very intimate and special way of learning about another person, and more importantly, yourself. There are so many facets to your being that you don’t know exist until someone else brings them out in you. 

If you choose to walk down the path of emotional exposure and vulnerability, the route that I often get lost on, the reward could be a deep connection, unconditional love, and fulfilment. However as beautiful and comfortable as that may sound, it does not necessarily result in all the above. It often could feel scary, “extra”, and non-reciprocated. Very obviously, in this case, you will be significantly more disheartened at the thought of losing them as compared to one who chooses to walk down the “detached” route. Although the self-preserving approach may sound like it is a negative approach, in actuality it is not. Being self-preserving in a relationship tends to be the “smarter” option, however, to me it has always seemed that the approach comes from an internal fear of getting hurt and dealing with subsequent emotions. Being emotionally cautious implies keeping a part of yourself to yourself as opposed to investing your whole self into the other person. 

According to psychologist Sergio De Dios González, self- protection is the best path to build a strong and healthy relationship on. Objectively, this is true and more importantly, the right approach. However, it is easy to abide by this philosophy if you are out of a relationship. Prior to getting into a relationship it is easy to set boundaries and plan the extent to which you would open up to your non-existent partner. However, when you get involved, it is hard to maintain this. It is easy to get carried away with time—the more intimate you get with your partner, the more you understand each other and this automatically translates to a sense of safety and security. Thus, the line between being cautious and excessively open becomes blurred eventually. 

You feel safe and loved and thus are happy to share and open up whole-heartedly. However, it is important to check-in with yourself often and rethink certain moves to catch yourself crossing the line. No one wants to be in a place where they are told by their partner to back off or take a step back. Being self-preserving is being self-aware all the time. You watch every move and are conscious of the decisions you make. While that is a great quality to possess, it can seem unnatural and almost forced from an emotional standpoint.

After or during a break-up, whether you choose to be self-preserving or emotionally open, your pain or lack of pain will be determined by the above. It is in these moments that I strongly believe that being aware of your emotions is the right way to go about it. A break-up can really ruin an individual emotionally, but at the same time, there are enough people who remain unbothered and detached. For selfish reasons, that would be ideal but not necessarily easy. We are always told by elders to hold our own and be able to maintain boundaries, and funnily we always know the right thing to do, but these things vanish when we are blinded by the other individual and the relationship we share with them.

In an ideal world, a combination of self-preserving and emotionally open is the best take, but unfortunately, this balance does not hold strong on most occasions. For some mysterious reason, perhaps pheromones, chemistry or the immaculate vibe, the emotional floodgates open and an unparalleled connection is made both ways or, the gates to the castle slam shut. It is not always a conscious decision to take the emotional dive, it is more of a spontaneous thing. In my opinion, being conscious and safe-guarding yourself is important but what holds more value is being yourself!