How Not To Marry The Wrong Guy

Lately, it seems like you can’t open your browser without seeing some headline about a famous married couple calling it quits. And while it’s no surprise when Charlie Sheen’s latest union implodes, you’d think that super-together stars like Sandra Bullock and Kate Winslet would be able to pick winners. How is it that a woman can pledge eternal love in front of all her family and friends only to then discover that she’s mistaken?
In a recent Cosmo survey, nearly two-thirds of you reported being worried about making a bad choice and winding up divorced. But experts say you can protect yourself from that fate if you evaluate your relationship pre-engagement according to a few important elements. “There are ways to judge if a man is marriage-worthy,” says marriage and family therapist Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., a sociology professor at the University of Michigan. “Considering these points will help you understand whether you and him have similar values, and whether you’re getting married for the right reasons.” Here are six things you should do to help determine whether your boyfriend is the love of your life or possibly your future ex-husband.

Don’t Just Dismiss His Past
Is there a chapter of your boyfriend’s history that bothers you because it so doesn’t sound like the guy you know? Decide if your relationship could survive a repeat, because odds are good that old habits will return. “The best predictor of his future behaviour is his past behaviour,” says Orbuch. You need to figure out if the sleazeball chapter of his past was specific to that stage of his life or if the traits he exhibited then are hardwired into his personality. If he’s done things in the past that don’t meet your  standards for marriage, grab the bull by the horns and bring it up. Ask him to explain why he did what he did. If the reasons he gives are related to specific situations that no longer apply
(say, he used to party too much because he lived with a bunch of his friends after college), that’s a strong sign that it was just a temporary thing. But if the triggers for his past actions could easily be present again—he used to party too much because he was stressed—it means those habits are part of who he’ll always be. 

Own Up to What You Need
So you love that your guy is a foodie or a stylish dresser. That’s all great, as long as you’re not so dazzled by those qualities that you overlook the fact that he’s lacking more important ones. Consider whether his qualities have downsides and if you can handle them. You might love that he has a hot career as a consultant, but if his job requires
lots of travel, will his success compensate for his absence from your life? If you have a huge group of friends, it might not be an issue, but if you’re a homebody who prefers to end each day snuggled on the couch with your honey, you won’t be happy with a marriage where he’s always out.

See Him As He Is
Say he’s an MBA student with big plans to become a CEO. Will you feel just as lucky to have him if student loan bills are the only concrete result of that degree? “Remember that you’re marrying the guy he is now, not the man he might be one day,” says couples therapist Jennifer Gauvain, co-author of How Not To Marry The Wrong Guy. “It’s great to be attracted to his passion, but don’t get attached to a certain potential career or financial outcome.” You need to be okay with the possibility that the rest of the world won’t be as convinced of his talents as you are. “The difference between what you expected and the reality you get is one of the leading sources of marriage unhappiness over
time,” says Orbuch.
According to Gauvain, the desire for financial security is one of the main reasons women get hitched to the wrong guy. “Many women have told me they were attracted to
marriage ’cause they felt like they were floundering and a joint income would help,” she says. Adds Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D., psychologist in Pennsylvania. “But there are lots of wealthy couples who aren’t happy.”

Beware of His Family Dynamics
While you might be able to ignore them now, his family will play a big role in your life once you’re hitched. Remember that these people will not just be at your wedding but also at roughly half your future holidays, at the hospital when your children are born, and quite possibly on your sofa for extended visits. “You don’t need to love each other’s
families, but you need to be on the same page about how much you’ll include them in your lives,” says Gauvain. If your family gathers for dinner every Sunday night but his has only a spotty record of celebrating New Year, your very different ideas of what family means will probably cause some problems. Talk about it and find a compromise. “Lay out expectations ahead of time so you understand what you’re getting into,” says Orbuch. “It’s okay if you don’t see eye-to-eye with them all the time, but he can’t put his family first or always side with them in disagreements,” says Gauvain. “You should put each other first.”

If There’s No Spark, Forget It
With all this talk of shared values, don’t forget this primal truth: there needs to be a sizzle. “In such uncertain economic times, it’s easy for women to tell themselves that stability is more important than attraction, but you need chemistry for a relationship to work,” says Gauvain. If you’ve been together for years, you’re not necessarily pinning each other down, the minute you get in the door. But the urge to rip off each other’s clothes should still strike on occasion. “Being successfully married means being more than best friends,” says Lombardo. “Great sex won’t make problems go, but it can cushion your relationship during the tough times.”

Tear Up Your Bridal Time Line
“If you nudge her, a woman will admit that there’s a magic age she thinks she should be married by,” says Gauvain. Whether your number is based on beating your biological clock or random facts like how old your sister was when she got hitched, it can hold power over you and put you at a high risk of marrying the wrong guy as that birthday draws close. “When women feel they’re falling behind on their bridal time line, they’re more likely to settle for Mr Almost Right,” says Gauvain. “They’re scared of having wasted precious time, so they stick with guys they normally wouldn’t.” To make sure that such fears aren’t driving your decision, ask yourself if you would still be with him if you were younger. If your answer isn’t a strong “Hell, yes!” then recognise your urge to put a ring on it for what it is: fear of falling behind on your time line.

Are Your Cold Feet Normal or Not?
How do you tell if your jitters are just a fleeting thing or your intuition trying to tell you you’re making a mistake? Pay attention to when your anxiety strikes—is it during wedding talk or when you’re talking about him? “When you’re about to be married, talking about your fiancé should fill you with calm and happiness,” says Lombardo. “It’s natural to be nervous about the wedding but not about the groom.” Another thing: “You shouldn’t be asking yourself ‘How do I know if he’s The One?’ ’cause it’s kind of like an orgasm: if you’re not sure that you had one, you didn’t,” she adds.