You slept with a friend...now what?

There are few things easier than sleeping with a friend. It has all the fixins of an easy hook-up— proximity, familiarity, chemistry. Friends always have chemistry, and, as Phoebe Waller-Bridge says on Netflix’s Crashing—“Everyone fucks everyone... eventually”. Whether it’s a drunken club night blurring your farsightedness, or a post-break-up moment of loneliness that turns a shoulder into a warm body, there is an inevitability about it that seems omnipresent. It’s always right there, within reach—simple and sexy, ready for the taking. And yet...

It’s a TV trope that’s been twisted seven ways to Sunday. Jeff and Britta on Community hook up and the friendship survives, but by the skin of its teeth. On Friends, Monica and Chandler fall drunk into bed at Ross’ wedding, and end up falling in love—as do Nick and Jess on New Girl. On Gossip Girl, the same happens with Chuck and Blair—but is a life-ruining mess when Nate and Serena hook up at a wedding (though that also involves cheating and betrayal). While friends hooking up on screen almost always leads to love, the same isn’t true in life. Screenplays have the luxury of writing characters that can start as friends but have always been right for each other.

Reality is different, because there is no omniscient plan for the aftermath.

There are many reasons it ends up happening. A Psychology Today study (2016) found that a big part of the reason it happened was alcohol consumption and lowered inhibitions. It also suggests that women are more likely to regret engaging in casual sex altogether, which doesn’t bode well for a casual hook-up with a friend. A 2020 Psychpost longitudinal study involving 191 individuals in friends with benefits relationships found that 25 per cent hoped it would evolve into a romantic relationship. Another study mentioned in Psychology Today said that among 300 individuals who had ended a friend-with-benefits relationship, 33 per cent remained friends with the same level of closeness, 33 per cent remained friends but were less close, and the remaining third were no longer friends.

The latter is what happened to Diya*, 27, who regrets blowing up her oldest friendship for a one-night stand. “It was so stupid,” she sighs. “Five years ago, I hooked up with my oldest friend from school (let’s call him Rishi) because we started talking one night when we were out for a drink. The conversation started getting to this really sexual place—we kept asking each other questions about what we liked in bed, our favourite positions, the hottest place we had ever done it. He dropped me home that night, and the writing was on the wall. We slept together.”

It was as far from a Monica and Chandler situation as possible, she says vehemently. “We are so incompatible. He’s monogamous, and also crazy possessive, for starters. I prefer open relationships and am very ‘live and let live’.” Her regret lies in how she handled it. “The next time I met him, I acted like it didn’t happen. I figured that would give us both an out. But he was obviously hurt, and started being distant. Then, when I started dating someone a few months later, he basically disappeared.”

Ananya*, 35, was on the other side of the situation with her friend Jia*. “I’m bisexual, and I’d had a thing for her forever. One night, she was ranting about how she was ‘done with men’ and I joked that ‘maybe it was time for a woman’. Long story short, we went back to mine and hooked up.” Ananya says her heart broke when she woke up and found that Jia had already left. “There was a text that effectively said she wasn’t into women, and last night was a mistake. It hurt like hell. I would’ve understood if she didn’t want to date. But getting that text devastated me.” The friendship suffered, especially because every time Ananya would bring a date to a night out, Jia was visibly bothered. “She’d get possessive and weird if I brought someone I was dating out with us. It’s so f*cked up. And we still haven’t talked about it.”

It did lead to love for Zara*, 31, but not a ‘happily ever after’. “My best friend Zafar* and I slept together one night when I was going through a low period—but I don’t regret it. We dated for two beautiful years until we realised that we loved each other, but didn’t want the same things.” They’re both with other people now; but the relationship altered their friendship irreversibly. “I don’t know if it was a good thing or not, because I loved our relationship. But having it meant that we can’t really be friends anymore—it makes his girlfriend and my fiancée uncomfortable, and I understand that. It’s sad, because I’m happy in my relationship, but I do miss
him as a friend.”

The thing about sleeping with a friend is that there is no real roadmap for the morning after (which is why I made you one, and I hope it helps). There are too many delicate feelings in the mix to know how things will go. But the key is to take a minute, and find a middle ground between your feelings, their feelings, and the friendship at stake. Who knows; you might find love at the end of this rainbow. But on the off-chance you don’t, you might be able to keep a friend who matters; a different (but equal) victory.

The official ‘what’s next?’

Don’t react instinctively 

It’s natural to have a knee-jerk reaction—to text them immediately, or call your other friends in alarm to talk about it. Curb that instinct. Instead, take a day to regroup. Sit down with how you feel about it. You should never send an email angry—or a panicky, post-coital text. 

Get to the ‘why’ of it 

Was it a weak moment? An expression of longing that had been building up? The first step in a possible relationship? Whatever happened, happened for a reason. Clarifying what it was (at least for yourself) helps you figure out where you want to go from there. 

Figure out what you want 

Before you take anyone else’s feelings into consideration, you need to know where you stand. That way, you have an anchor point whenever you choose to have ‘the conversation’. Being clear about what you want will help you stay focused in the middle of what will be a tricky dialogue. 

Hear them out 

It took two to do the devil’s tango. You can be absolutely clear about what you want to happen without being insensitive about it. If you are on the same page, amazing. If not, be mindful of how they feel. 

Let them go first 

This lets you gauge the situation with their perspective in mind. For example, if they want a relationship and you don’t, you can let them down gently instead of accidentally saying something cruel. If it’s the reverse, you can spare yourself the agony of wearing your heart on your sleeve and decide how much you want to tell them—or if you’d rather process your feelings privately. 

Take a breather 

Unless you both have decided to actively start dating, take a few days away to think and process how you feel. Fast, thoughtless reactions can ruin the friendship, and a considered response is kinder to both of you. Just make sure to mention it—ghosting someone is never kosher. 

Rebuild, or don’t 

After you’ve taken time apart, ask yourself if you want to rebuild this friendship—and if it can be done. If there are feelings on either end, it will still need a while, and it will still never go back to the way it was. But if there aren’t, you will need to establish boundaries—especially when a significant other enters the mix. Sleeping with a friend often ends the friendship, but if you really don’t want to, both of you will have to put in the work. 

Understand that the status quo can change 

The thing about sleeping with a friend is that, now, it will always be part of the equation. At any time, feelings may emerge for one (or both) of you. You may find yourself being jealous, or that it makes your partner uncomfortable. In that moment, it’s important to realise that it is your job to prioritise your partner (if they matter), which might involve new boundaries with your friend—or cutting off contact altogether. Dismissing it as a non-issue is gaslight-y and unfair. Ask yourself if this friendship matters enough to jeopardise future relationships because there is a good chance it will. And if it does, commit to actively working on managing the feelings of everyone involved. 

The ‘later’ edit 

If you’re reading this weeks, months, or even years after hooking up with a friend changed your friendship, it might not be too late. If your friendship is over because of a partner, or a broken heart on either side, it’s probably a little late for damage control. However, if your friendship exists, but has changed, find a way to bring it up gently as a way to repair it. Choose an occasion where you are both sober, in a good place emotionally, and at a place and time where no one feels ambushed. Then, encourage them to give you their honest thoughts—and offer yours in return. It might be ripping off a band-aid, so go in knowing that risk. But it could also soothe a festering wound if it works out.

Lead image: IMDb

The article originally appeared Cosmopolitan May-June 2025 print issue. 

Also read: How busy corporate singles squeeze dating into their crazy 9-to-9 workdays

Also read: Here's why saving numbers feels like a commitment—and what it says about the current dating culture