The flake epidemic: why no one shows up anymore

There was a time when canceling plans required a certain level of effort—a phone call, an awkward excuse, maybe even the guilt of facing someone in person. Today, a last-minute text does the job in seconds. “Sorry, something came up.” “Not feeling it tonight.” “Can we reschedule?” These phrases have become so commonplace that they barely register as rude anymore. But is flakiness simply a byproduct of modern convenience, or does it speak to a deeper shift in our psychological and cultural landscape?

From a psychological standpoint, habitual plan-canceling is often driven by anxiety, decision fatigue, and evolving social norms. Social anxiety makes even the thought of an event exhausting, pushing some to pull out at the last moment. Decision fatigue, fuelled by endless choices in modern life, leads to uncertainty—why commit to one plan when something better might come along? Meanwhile, shifting social values have reframed commitments as optional rather than obligatory, prioritising personal comfort over traditional notions of reliability.

“Anxiety can make social events feel daunting, especially for introverts or those afraid of judgment,” says Dr Rahul Chandok, head consultant, mental health and behavioural science, Artemis Hospital, Gurugram. “At the same time, a culture that prioritises flexibility and self-care means many now view social obligations as secondary to their well-being.”

It’s easy to point fingers at digital convenience—read receipts, instant messaging, and event invites that make it effortless to back out at the last minute. But does technology create flakiness, or does it merely expose a habit that has always existed?

“Technology didn’t invent flakiness, but it certainly made it easier,” Chandok explains. “Before smartphones, cancelling plans required an actual conversation, often accompanied by guilt or the pressure to reschedule immediately. Now, a quick text provides an escape hatch with minimal discomfort.”

That said, while convenience plays a role, the bigger issue is the cultural shift in how we perceive obligations. Where previous generations may have viewed social commitments as non-negotiable, today’s mindset leans towards fluidity—if it doesn’t feel right, it’s okay to bow out. The result? A landscape where personal responsibility is often overruled by the desire for convenience.

The ‘if it doesn’t spark joy’ approach to socialising

One of the defining attitudes of the modern era is the idea that social engagements should only be pursued if they align with our mental bandwidth or “spark joy.” While prioritising mental health is essential, the downside is that friendships can become transactional—only maintained when they feel effortless.

“As much as we should protect our mental health, friendships require effort,” Chandok warns. “If someone only shows up when it’s convenient, emotional connection and trust begin to erode. Relationships thrive on shared experiences, even when they require a little effort.”

Over time, this selective approach to socialising can create an imbalance—one person invests in the friendship while the other remains emotionally distant. When one friend constantly cancels, it can leave the reliable one feeling undervalued, even resentful.

But flakiness is not a one-size-fits-all behaviour. It manifests in different ways, driven by unique psychological tendencies and personal habits.

The last-minute panicker

Some people commit to plans with the best of intentions, only to find themselves overwhelmed as the event approaches. Anxiety—whether social or general—creeps in, making the idea of attending suddenly unbearable. They may worry about saying the wrong thing, being judged, or simply feeling exhausted by social interaction. Instead of pushing through, they opt out at the last second, often with a vague excuse.

The chronic overcommitter

There are those who say “yes” too easily. They agree to dinner, drinks, weekend trips, and work obligations with enthusiasm, believing they can fit it all in. But as their calendar fills up, reality sets in. The energy and time they thought they had don’t materialise, and cancellations start rolling out. Their intentions are good, but their ability to manage commitments is poor.

The disorganised drifter

For some, flakiness isn’t about anxiety or overcommitment—it’s about absentmindedness. These individuals genuinely forget about plans, double-book themselves, or lose track of time. They might show up late, not show up at all, or suddenly remember an engagement the moment it’s too late to attend. Poor time management, lack of structure, and an aversion to planning make them unreliable, though rarely intentionally so.

The freedom-seeker

A more deliberate type of flakiness comes from those who resist being tied down. They agree to plans but hesitate to fully commit, keeping their options open in case something better comes along—or in case they decide they’d rather stay home. For them, plans feel like obligations rather than opportunities, and cancelling is simply a way to preserve their sense of independence.

The digital escape artist

Technology has made flakiness easier than ever. In an era of instant messaging, backing out of a plan no longer requires an uncomfortable phone call or a face-to-face explanation. A quick text—“So sorry, feeling under the weather”—is all it takes to exit a commitment. The absence of confrontation makes it easier to cancel without guilt, turning flakiness into a low-effort social habit.

How to handle a flaky friend

So what do you do when someone in your life has a chronic habit of backing out? The key lies in setting boundaries without straining the relationship.

Communicate honestly

Instead of bottling up frustration, express how their flakiness affects you. A calm, non-accusatory conversation can sometimes bring awareness to a behaviour the other person may not even realise is hurtful.

Adjust your expectations

If someone has a pattern of canceling, lower your investment in them emotionally. Prioritise friendships where time and effort are reciprocated.

Opt for flexible plans

If you still want them in your life, suggest low-pressure meetups, like casual coffee dates or phone catch-ups, that don’t require significant commitment.

At what point does flakiness cross into toxic territory? When a person consistently cancels without making any effort to reschedule, it signals that they see your time as disposable. Friendships should be built on mutual respect, not just convenience.

The art of cancelling without damaging trust

Not all cancellations are avoidable. Life happens, and sometimes, backing out is necessary. But there’s a way to do it that minimises harm to the relationship.

A well-worded cancellation text should be concise, considerate, and offer an alternative. Something as simple as: “I hate to do this last minute, but I won’t be able to make it tonight. I was really looking forward to catching up—can we plan for another day?”

This approach acknowledges the inconvenience while showing that you still value the friendship. The problem arises when cancellations become habitual, with no effort to reconnect.

Why we say yes (when we mean no)

A common scenario: agreeing to plans you’re unsure about, only to cancel later. Why do we do this?

“The tendency to overcommit often stems from a fear of disappointing others, societal pressure, or a desire for approval,” Chandok explains. “People agree to plans out of guilt, even when they suspect they won’t follow through. This pattern creates unnecessary stress and leads to last-minute flakiness.”

To avoid this cycle, practice saying no with honesty and kindness. Instead of committing out of guilt, try: “I’d love to, but I’m not sure I can commit right now. Let me get back to you closer to the date.”

This way, you avoid false commitments while keeping your social connections intact.

Flakiness, while often dismissed as a minor social annoyance, has deeper implications. At its core, it reflects our modern struggle between personal well-being and social responsibility. While flexibility is valuable, friendships require effort and consistency.

The challenge is finding a balance between honouring our boundaries and respecting the people in our lives. Because at the end of the day, the strongest relationships aren’t just about showing up when it’s convenient—they’re about showing up, period.

Lead image: Pexels

Also read: Snap our of your reading slump with these binge-worthy books

Also read: How to be a great third wheel without making things awkward