13 Things Only Parents With Both Kids And Dogs Understand

1. Having a dog is not the same as having a baby. Remember when your friend told you that she could totally relate to how exhausted you are from dealing with your kid and how you're over dealing with bodily fluids, because she has a dog and is in the same boat? Yeah, you can pick up dog poop with a bag and toss it. Your kid needs constant attention. Your dog sleeps 18 hours a day and isn't cranky if his nap gets interrupted because his whole life is a nap. Your dog doesn't have to come with you to the grocery store, and your dog definitely doesn't beg you to buy him ice cream and throw a tantrum if you don't.

2. Everything goes in everyone's mouths. Dog toys are in the baby's mouth. Dropped pacifiers are in the dog's mouth. Your dog kisses your kid on (and, well, in) her mouth. At first, you're horrified. You yell, "Leave it!" at the dog approximately 3,000 times a day. You sterilize the pacifiers every night and research the best ways to wash stuffed animals. Then, one day when you haven't slept in weeks and your baby giggles when the dog licks her face, you give it all up. You realize it's futile to even try. And you curse yourself for waiting so long because you've never felt as free as you do when you tell your dog to drop the ball, pick it up, and immediately hand it to your kid, who instantly stops crying. Your parents continue to be horrified by all of it though.

3. Someone has suggested that you get rid of your dog. One of your parents, aunts, uncles, neighbors, or coworkers has told you that it's not safe to have a dog around kids. Dogs are wild animals, someone has explained, and no matter how well-behaved your dog is, anything could happen and you don't want your child to be attacked. You listened to them as they said all of this. You might have even thanked them for their advice. You then ignored everything they said and taught your kid "gentle touch" with your dog. You've learned to ignore all the other garbage parenting advice that people share with you unsolicited, so no need to make an exception here.

4. It's not always cute. Your Instagram feed might be full of adorable pics of your son hugging your dog, feeding him treats, and getting a tongue bath, but what you don't show off to everyone is the meltdown your kid has every time your dog ruins one of his toys or the meltdown you have every time your kid torments your dog by pulling his tail. When your dog barks for no apparent reason and your napping baby — the baby who literally just fell asleep after 45 minutes of fighting you on it — starts to stir, you whisper-yell curse words you've never used before. When your toddler splashes the water in the dog bowl all over the floor, you don't take a selfie while you mop the kitchen for the fourth time that day.

5. You've not proud of it, but you've forgotten to feed or let your dog out at least once. You're a good pet owner. You love your dog. He's a member of the family. But you'll admit there was a time when you passed out on the couch and your dog hadn't gone out since the morning. It happens. So will an accident or two. Or you and your partner look at each other in disbelief as you realize that neither of you gave him his dinner last night. You say you just thought the other one was doing it, but the truth is you didn't think about it at all. You're not a horrible person. Besides, eventually the dog will be your kid's responsibility.

6. Your kid doesn't not help as much as you were hoping. Oh yeah, about that. When they're little, kids get a kick out of holding the dog's leash, handing her treats, and giving her a bath. Then they turn 8 or 9, their grandparents think it's a great idea to get them their own iPads, and getting off the couch to let the dog out will be about as appealing to them as cauliflower. By that age, they figure out that things like vacuuming, putting their toys away, and, yes, taking care of the dog are chores, not games. You ran a good con for a while there, but they're on to you and they're over it. The dog is your job. Again.

7. The process of your dog and baby discovering each other is like dating. It's the weirdest courtship you've ever seen. Your dog ignores your baby. Your baby seems terrified of the dog. Your dog hates when the baby cries. Your baby accidentally pokes your dog in the eye while the dog is trying to lick her. You try to keep them apart because everyone told you not to leave the baby alone with the dog when you're not in the room. But at some point, you catch your dog watching over the baby while she's napping, or your dog starts lying on the floor outside the nursery. And then, one magical day, your dog places her favorite toy in your baby's Rock 'n Play or your kid crawls onto the dog bed, and they roll around together like the best friends they were always meant to be.

8. You're not grossed out by anything. You talk about poop a lot in your house. "When did the baby last poop?" "How many times did the baby poop at daycare?" "Has the dog gone out to poop yet?" "Could you take the dog out to poop because I'm taking care of the baby's poop, and then I'd like to poop and maybe sit in the bathroom alone for an hour and pretend that all of you don't exist?" Vomit comes up a lot too. And reaching into mouths to pull out choking hazards. And throwing out things that have been chewed on. Half the time you don't even know who ruined it; you just know that that toy/lipstick that you just bought is wet, mutilated, and potentially smeared across the floor. When your kid is asleep, your dog is making a mess. When your dog is in the backyard, your kid is getting slimy in the kitchen (How did you get yogurt in your hair?!). You're numb to all of it.

9. Family photos are impossible. You think it's hard to get a kid to sit still and look at a camera? Try adding a dog to the mix. Forget trying to have everyone looking in the same direction and just hope that your dog isn't licking himself on your Christmas card.

10. Babysitters and nannies lie about liking dogs. People who want you to pay them money say things to increase the likelihood that you will pay them said money. Later, you learn that your dog didn't go for a walk or was kept outside all night because your babysitter "discovered" she has allergies. You ask your parents to babysit often.

11. Your dog helps you clean up after (and during) meals. Leftover food that your kid didn't want to try? The dog will eat it. Food that got knocked onto the floor by a toddler or thrown across the table during a sibling food fight? The dog will eat it. High-chair tray smeared with peanut butter? Your dog used to think the random scraps you shared with him were as good as life gets. And you felt saintly for passing them along. Now your dog camps out under the high chair six times a day and is never disappointed. It's like finding a slot machine in Vegas that keeps paying out. Your dog has a hot hand (paw?) and isn't walking away until every single one of those tiny chicken pieces has been licked up off the floor.

12. You have to talk to your kid about death before you ever expected to. When your dog dies, you are devastated. Your kid is sad too, and completely confused. Plenty of people tell you that it's a "teachable moment," and that kids need to learn about death. And that's all true. But it crushes you to see your kid that sad. And you don't know how to handle their grief while processing your own. You all cry. Crying is OK. Because you had a good dog and your kid was lucky.​

13. Your kid knows pure love. Parents make kids take baths and eat vegetables and go to bed while it's still sunny out. Dogs are soft and tickle you when they touch you with their wet noses and fetch balls for hours. Your kid loves your dog in a way that you thought only you could. She gets excited to see the dog whenever she walks into the house. She learns to say the dog's name, and then says it over and over again. It fills you with pride when you see your kid talking to your dog, using her new words with her furry friend. You tear up when you see her share her imaginary cupcakes with the dog, or when she scribbles something unrecognizable in crayon and then explains that it's a picture of the dog.​