Is "Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater" a Real Thing?

My ex and I dated for several years, and he cheated on me. Twice. We broke up and went our separate ways, but now, years later, have reconnected. He claims to have changed and grown up, which does seem possible since we were really young. But I can't shake the "once a cheater always a cheater" thought from my head. Is there any chance we could have a real faithful relationship at this point?

Yes, we've all heard the line "once a cheater always a cheater." And we all know the expression, "A tiger doesn't change his stripes." And also the bogus science about how monogamy doesn't work for men because they're just animals genetically programmed to spread their seed. (Ugh.) But just because something sounds cute doesn't mean it's right (much as this pains me to say, as a columnist). Guys aren't tigers and they aren't born cheaters either. Cheating is something people do; it's not who they are. Cheating is a behavior, not an identity or a destiny.

People make choices. Often they make mistakes. Sometimes they learn from them. And people do change and grow up, for better and worse. I've got plenty of friends who cheated, regretted it, and figured out how to be better the next time or better to the next person.

You ask if there's a chance this guy who twice cheated on you can change. The answer is yes. There's a chance.

But I get where you're coming from: I've been burned by people I care about and found it hard to trust them. Some of them earned that trust back and others just burned me all over again. Intimacy is always going to be a risk and some people are just bigger risks than others. There are people who cheat and cheat again (and again), and never seem to stop. But there's no cheater gene. There are just people who choose to cheat — sometimes repeatedly.

You have good reasons to be skittish and you should be careful. Remember that cheating is often about a lack of trust and respect in general, and those are qualities you can observe in every aspect of your relationship.

If you do choose to give him a chance to change, watch for signs that he's truly looking out for your best interests: Is he a man of his word? Does he follow through on promises? Is he kind and respectful and trustworthy? Does he treat you well — and empathize when you talk about this very reasonable worry? Don't just look for suspicious signs that he might be sneaking around. He chose to disrespect and hurt you by cheating on you the first time. So watch him and ask yourself: How is he choosing to treat me now?

​Should I like cats more because my girlfriend likes cats? I really like dogs, but I want to please my girlfriend. Should I be honest or should I start to like cats more?

This question is very personal for me, actually. And this is a very unpopular thing to say on the internet, where cats are basically tiny furry gods, but I'm going to be honest: I hate cats. I'm crazy allergic to them — so allergic that my eyes swell up and I can hardly breathe in the apartments of certain cat-crazy pals. Either that, or I get so dosed up on Benadryl that it nearly puts me to sleep. I've broken up with women earlier than I might have otherwise, just because the cat allergies added a whole other level of difficulty.

Compromise is important — and I have learned to expand my horizons in all sorts of ways, often thanks to girlfriends. But I hate cats. (I get the sense that they hate me too). Sometimes, compromise can only take us so far. And I will never, ever like cats. So, screw it: Fuck cats.

If you don't like cats, you do not have to like cats. If your girlfriend likes basketball or chocolate ice cream or yoga or reality television or postmodern Russian literature or biochemistry or experimental jazz, you don't have to like any of that stuff either. You don't have to hide your distaste. You should talk about the stuff you don't like and be honest. What you don't like is part of who you are too.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, we all have that friend who bends over backward trying to become the perfect partner: the romantic chameleon, whose tastes in music or TV just seem to change with every partner. One month, she's really into punk music, just like her new date; the next month, she's into the Yankees, because she's hooking up with someone else.

You're never going to like all the same things. If you did, that would be creepy and, most likely, a bit dishonest. Dogs or cats, rock or rap, pizza or sushi, it's good to know what you like and be honest about it. A little friction is a good thing. But the most crucial thing is this: You like her.

Ultimately, it's not about what you like and what she likes — it's about deal breakers. Do you hate cats so much that you cannot conceive of a relationship with a cat lady? Is this something you can live with? (As in, can you literally live with a cat?) How much do you want to compromise on this point? And then the next? Each is a separate decision and none of these decisions are going to be black-and-white. They're often mixed up and mottled — tabby, if you will. For me, I draw the line at cats. Where do you draw yours?

I've been with my boyfriend for a long time — almost six years! The past three years, my body's changed, and the big problem is that I hardly ever get turned on. It's rare that I'm "ready" for sex or anything. I want to have sex and enjoy it, but my body doesn't seem to want it. This sucks! My boyfriend has only mentioned it a few times over the years, but I feel bad about myself. I'm 21; I should be ready to go whenever!

Almost nobody's ready to go whenever! Sometimes, the mind can be so willing but your body's just chilling — and that's OK. And don't compare your sex drive to your boyfriend's: A lot of 21-year-old guys need nothing more than a warm breeze to get horny, but women's bodies don't work the same way and don't come with the same sort of obvious on/off switch.

I hate generalizations about men and women. We're not from different planets. That men-are-from-Mars-and-women-are-from-Venus stuff is practically science fiction. But one consistent difference I hear about all the time is that women like and often need foreplay, whereas a whole lot of dudes want to go straight to the bumping and grinding. Most women need a little warm-up.

My guess is that you just need to be a little patient with yourself — and make sure your boyfriend understands that he needs to take his time too. If he doesn't get it, maybe suggest that he listen to a few Prince albums and take notes. (The late, great Purple One's back catalog is sexier than any sex manual.) Beyond that, it never hurts to check in with your doctor: Sex is where the mind and body meet, so our sex drives can be influenced by everything from diet and sleep, to stress, illness, and prescription medications. I always recommend talking more with your doctor than less.

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