How to have the “What are we?” talk without turning it into a rom-com disaster

Defining the relationship doesn’t have to be awkward. Here’s how to navigate the DTR talk with honesty, clarity, and confidence.

03 May, 2025

How to have the “What are we?” talk without turning it into a rom-com disaster

At some point after two people connect, one (or both) starts to wonder, “What are we doing here? Are we dating? Casually seeing each other? Or are we exclusive?” That’s when the urge to define the relationship—aka the DTR talk—starts creeping in. Sure, it can feel a little daunting. But in a dating world where everything’s a bit blurry, clarity is key. Putting a label on things isn’t always necessary, but knowing where you stand is. A slightly uncomfortable chat now is way better than staying in the dark and dealing with heartbreak later.

If the DTR talk has been on your mind, here’s how to bring it up—without making things awkward.

Be clear about what you want

Before you launch into the conversation, take a moment to figure out your feelings. Do you want exclusivity? Are you worried you’re catching feelings while they’re just having fun? Or maybe things are starting to feel serious, and you’d like to know if they’re on the same page. Knowing what you're looking for will help you express yourself clearly—and confidently. Play the situation out in your head. How would you feel if they didn’t want the same thing? What would give you a sense of security? Once you’ve got that sorted, you’ll be in a better place to talk it out.

Timing is everything

This isn’t a casual drop-it-in-between-texts kind of chat. Choose a time when you’re both relaxed and free from distractions—during a quiet dinner, on a walk, or just chilling together at home. Avoid the dreaded “We need to talk,” which tends to induce mild panic. Try something softer like, “I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you, and I was wondering if we could talk about where we’re at.” Calm, honest, and far less intimidating.

Speak for yourself, not them

When you start the conversation, keep the focus on your feelings. Use “I” statements to express what you want without sounding accusatory or defensive. This helps create a safe space for both of you to open up, without the other person feeling cornered. Remember, the goal is connection, not confrontation.

Be prepared for their answer, whatever it may be

Here’s the hard truth: you might not get the response you’re hoping for. And that’s okay. Emotional maturity means understanding that the other person is allowed to feel differently. If they’re not on the same page, it doesn’t mean they don’t care—it just means they have a different perspective. This conversation is about honesty, not control. If they aren’t looking for what you are, respect their decision and thank yourself for having the courage to ask.

Things don’t end here

The DTR talk isn’t a finale—it can be the beginning of something better. If you’ve agreed to be exclusive, that opens the door for more conversations: Do you want to keep things low-key? Introduce each other to friends? Define the pace together. And if you’ve decided to keep things casual? That’s fine, too—just set some boundaries and check in with yourself (and each other) every now and then. One conversation doesn’t define your relationship, but it can definitely help shape it.

Lead image: Netflix

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