#SaneGirlEra: Why is talking to a dead person is not crazy?

In the last few years of my practice, I have been seeing patients coming to me to process grief. I do sense and see many people who are okay with not wanting to give closure, or who are not able to say goodbye so easily to the people they have lost on their journey. And why even give a closure or look at it as the end?

Does “dead” mean it’s the end, and we should move on? Or are we okay to say yes, they are dead, but we want to continue the bond and coexist?

Let me ask if you have watched this movie on Netflix called Voicemails for Isabelle? In this movie, Jill leaves voicemails for her sister Isabelle, who is no more. Now, here’s what I also observed: Jill is very much aware of what she is doing, and it is not that she is in denial, but you know what she is trying to do? Jill is trying to preserve the connection and the identity, too. She is also very accepting of reality, but at the same time chooses to coexist with the one.

If you have watched this movie, I am sure it is very evident in some scenes that Jill’s habit was also to replay her sister’s old messages and respond to them with new ones—in itself, it is her way of slowly attempting to heal.

Being a therapist, I also feel we can externalise grief through different kinds of rituals. Everyone’s way of processing grief is different, and the effects of a loss and its impact on people also vary from person to person.

Let me help you here with different grief rituals and techniques, and how the grief can be externalised. It is well researched and believed that if given structure and an outlet, grief is processed better.

Acknowledge the grief

It is very important first to acknowledge the grief and feel it. Allow yourself to feel whether it is anger, anxiety, or longing, and allow your emotions to flow through fully.

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Create an intentional place for grief where you can sit with your emotions. Journal these emotions, speak about them, and release them from your mind and heart.

Yes, it is tough, but sitting with it is more helpful than ignoring or suppressing it, which can later turn out to be very painful. Grief needs an outlet. It needs to be released somehow. Like, for example, today at 4:00 PM I have an appointment with my grief, and I will be sitting with it and going through those pics and those memories. This helps us to be more in control. It’s not about erasing it or saying goodbye with mental and emotional closure, but it’s about figuring out how to live alongside grief without being consumed by it. When grief has space, it won’t hijack other areas of life.

Replace “I should move on”, “I must try to distract myself”, and “try to forget it” 

Instead, tell yourself, “It is okay to carry love, laugh, and feel the loss at the same time”. Both love and loss can coexist. Also, tell yourself, “Grief is a part of my story, and it cannot be my whole story”.

Speak with compassion

Grief also makes you feel physically, mentally, and emotionally fatigued. So it is very important to speak to yourself with compassion. Compassion reduces consumption. Avoid the what-if counterfactual thinking. Try to avoid negotiating or bargaining with what-if scenarios in your mind, as it becomes difficult to process the grief.

Legacy projects

Planting a tree, starting anything small that has a deeper meaning to them or finishing something they cared about are also different ways to remember them and have their presence in your life.

Birthday rituals

Doing something on their birthdays, cooking their favourite meal or doing any activity that they would love to do.

Empty chair technique

One of the popular psychologists, Gestalt Therapy, discovered this tool: you can speak aloud to an empty chair or write down the questions you feel you want to ask them, then answer them as if the person is there in front of you, and consider what they might say to you.

When people learn to carry their grief rather than fight it, their lives become richer. Releasing the pain on your terms at your own pace is what allows you to feel whole again.

Loss is about subtraction, and we need to bring addition to this. If you find a way to grieve fully, you can live fully. Whenever we experience loss in our lives, it pushes our pain threshold. But not to forget, it also pushes us to experience more happiness, joy and laughter. In grief, yes, it expands the capacity to feel pain and to experience joy.

Grief is less about recovery and more about re-authoring your life story, which means coexisting with joy and loss at the same time.

Here are the different coping strategies based on traditional and modern psychological ways. 

Talking/writing

Traditional ways: Reaching a state of final “closure” or saying a final goodbye.
Modern psychological ways: Maintaining an internal and personal connection and updating them on your life through different ways.

Emotional expression

Traditional ways: Moving linearly through the five fixed stages (starting with denial to acceptance).
Modern psychological ways: Growing your life around grief, accepting that it oscillates day to day, and allowing it to be a part of your routine or journey.

Daily life

Traditional ways: Distracting yourself completely until the pain fades.
Modern psychological ways: Allowing moments of genuine joy, love and laughter to coexist right alongside the sorrow.

Sane Girl Era is our column featuring psychologist Meghna Karia, who pens down her expert advice to help Cosmo readers find solace and sanity amidst the chaos.

Meghna Karia is a psychologist, psychotherapist, and mental health trainer, trained and certified in REBT from the Albert Ellis Institute. She specialises in treating addiction, eating disorders, anxiety, relationship concerns, corporate stress, and existential crises.

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